nedsjotw.com

JOTW Horoscope for communicators:

March 2007

Blow Dry the Broadcaster (March 21-April 19) Beware the Ides of March!
The February Sweeps are over, and now the suits are looking at the
ratings. The ring around the collar could be a noose. Better update your
resume and head over to Costco to stock up on hairspray–while you still
have the money.

Gratis the Community Relations Manager ((April 20 – May 20) – Beware the Ides of March!  Your secretary, Spurinna, warns you not to go to the Human Resources weekly managers meeting for senior staff because she says that the ”long knives” are out” and they might cut people from your department if you showed up at the meeting about why and how the company‘s reorganization will take place.  So, you take her advice and stay clear of that session.  You find out that because you felt it wasn’t important, your department must be unnecessary and you are eliminated.

Backspace the Proofreader (May 21 – June 21) – Beware the Ides of March!  You will offer to proofread an important draft article for a “friend” who promises to pay the going rate.  She’s in such a hurry she asks you to take on the assignment without a contract since there isn’t time to cut a purchase order.  You find so many mistakes that the author who was ghostwriting the story for her boss was unable to submit it by deadline.  She blames you.  When you ask her for the <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” />PO number so you can invoice her she says you had no written agreement and since she hasn’t been paid because the project was held up, and since she isn’t getting paid anytime soon it would be unfair for you to get anything.

Blow Dry the Broadcaster (March 21-April 19) Beware the Ides of March!
The February Sweeps are over, and now the suits are looking at the
ratings. The ring around the collar could be a noose. Better update your
resume and head over to Costco to stock up on hairspray–while you still
have the money.

Journalisticus the Editor (July 23 – Aug. 22) – Beware the Ides of
March! Your writers are in a surly mood, especially since you killed the
annual story/trip on spring break excesses in Cancun. Even as you sit
here, one of your reporters (the single 25-year-old) is preparing a
2,500-word plea/justification for sending him to Mexico, using words you
didn't think he knew the meaning of and writing with an eloquence that
to this point was never evident in any of his stories. Prepare to handle
him with care. It wouldn't hurt to ask security to keep an eye on him,
too.

Reporticus the Investor Relations Specialist (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – Beware
the Ides of March! The first quarter is coming to a close, and Bob in
Accounting has given you a heads-up that the 8-K will need to be
“creative.” As you contemplate this, you get an all-staff email from the
CEO announcing that Bob in Accounting is leaving the company “to spend
more time with his family.” Stay alert–these are “clues.”

Advertarius the Account Executive (Sept 23 – Oct 23) – Beware the Ides
of March! Good news! You've landed that account for that pharmaceutical
company! Now the bad news: the product has side effects, including:
explosive diahrrea, bleeding (internal and external), impotence,
amnesia, dizziness, drowsiness, sensitivity to light, sensitivity to the
dark, insomnia, skin rashes, loss of hair/eyesight/hearing/taste,
stroke, high blood pressure, joint pain, a tendency to vote Democrat,
irritability, numbness, loss of bladder control and certain death.

Porous the Civil Servant Office manager (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21) – Beware the
Ides of March! Repairs on the rail line that you use to come in to work
have disrupted your daily routine. You are forced to get up a half-hour
earlier just to get into work on time, which upsets your equilibrium and
leaves you grouchy, irritable, sleepy and inattentive. Your co-workers
fail to notice a difference.

Strategarius the Consultant (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21) – Beware the Ides of March!

You are brought in to consult for a manufacturing company that makes obsolete machine tools for a heavy industrial product that has lost 90 percent of market share to China who now makes a smaller, better less expensive product to meet the same need.  You tell the CEO he needs to reinvent the company by talking to the most important customers to better meet market expectations, and provide a new product line that is better suited for the market.  The boss listens, and thanks you.  He then hires another consultant who tells him that their problem is cash flow, and they need to hire more financial analysts to improve the accounts receivable position.  You receive notice from the bankruptcy court that you will be unable to get paid but that you can file a claim against the creditors if they can sell any of their old equipment.

Corpricon the Corporate Communicator (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19) – Beware the Ides of March!  Your friend in General Counsel has a new intern who he says is not very capable.  He asks you to see if you can find something for him to do.  You have a big project that just arrived in your lap, so you invite the intern to sit in on a few planning meetings and even offer a few suggestions to the project. These “ideas” coin cide with what you had already planned to do, so you let the intern execute those ideas and make them his “contribution” to the project.  You help him, so the work is acceptable, and you see him do some pretty work, and you congratulate him and encourage him.  You figure your friend felt the intern was not “performing” because nobody shared any expectations with him and left him to fend for himself.  One day you see your friend while you are talking to the intern, and you tell your friend how well the intern is doing, how he has come into the team and made a real contribution and is working on a significant piece of the project.  You friend then tells the front office that the corporate communications office is in complete disarray and he had to supply his own intern to salvage the big project.

Inferiorus the Marketing Communications Intern (Jan 20. – Feb 18) –
Beware the Ides of March! You learn the hard way that a fax machine is
not the best way to transmit images of your body parts, especially after
you hear the Pitney Bowes repairman tell your boss, “I don't understand
how pubic hair could have gotten jammed in there.”

Pencilius the Graphic Designer (Feb. 19 – March 20) – Beware the Ides of
March! Your new client wants something that looks “Matisse-ish.” When
you ask him if that means early Matisse with bold use of stroke and
color, or later Matisse with fluid motion and geometric harmony, he
gives you a blank stare. “I want it 'Matisse-ish,'” he finally replies.
Good luck!