nedsjotw.com

MIKE: Ned, what do you think are the keys to the game tonight?

Ned: Colorado must master the art of not being totally psyched out by the spectre of this Red Sox team.

This is also the key to the Red Sox. Actually, the key is containing Julio Lugo as the toughest guy to get out on the Sox lineup. Why? Lugo pretty much doesn't hit. If he's the biggest threat in the lineup, then Colorado will have shut down the powerful BoSox bats.

Judy: Who is going to win tonight??

Ned: I will have to go with Boston.

Although I will be sad.

Judy: What happened?? Is your mom okay??

Ned: No more baseball until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training.

MIKE: Ned, how important is it for pitchers to throw strikes?

Ned: It depends. If every pitch is low on the outside corner and put in play and a grounder that results in a putout at first, the pitcher will throw a 27-pitch perfect game.

Mike: That’s only happened two or three times…

Ned: Mike I used to throw a game like that two or three times a day off the back of my garage with a tennis ball.

Mike: Not me. When I did that, it was an 81-strike, 27 strikeout perfect game. And I did it three times in a row just to beat Johnny Vandermeer’s record, too.

Mike: I think that was the fastest first inning in the history of the Boston Red Sox.

Ned: Ellsbury hits fast, runs fast, and scores fast. I told Barbara it was okay if she wanted to marry him.

Mike: That’s your choice, actually, not hers. You’re the father. You want it, arrange it. You can give them your Jake Wittmer award as the dowry gift.

Ned: Mike, one of the call center ladies I talked to in India assured me that arranged marraiges are just as likely to succeed as love marraiges. So I am encouraged.

Mike: How much cattle do you own?

Ned: Who pays. I forget.

Mike: You pay. You’re paying the groom’s family for taking the burden of your daughter off of you. In return, she moves in with them and basically becomes the servant of her mother-in-law. It’s a character-building experience.

Ned: Seems fair. I get it back with Tom, right?

Mike: Well, you don’t. Laura does.

Ned: I don't know why the Colorado fans are so agitated. They're only down by one run.

Mike: Yeah, it’s not like the Red Sox are averaging eight runs a game…

Ned: Did you see the game last night? Tom and I were at Scout camp. I listened to a little of the game on ESPN Radio out of Chicago (1000 am), then we rigged a TV and some rabbit ears to watch some of the game. I saw that six-run lead evaporate, and then had to go handle a crisis.

Mike: What kind of crisis? A snipe hunt? An Order of the Arrow ceremony gone horribly awry?

Ned: Somebody wanted to watch Transformers after everyone else had just seen it. Did you know Optimus Prime died of Prostate Cancer. (BTW, I had four OA ceremonies this weekend!)

Mike: I didn’t know that. You think you know everything about someone…