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Think it’s original?
Just ask Marvin Gaye’s family. Your cute, clever, complex, verbose, self-obsessed, jargon-rich marketing copy can cost you a fortune. Think it’s original? Somebody else came up with that same blather years ago, or something close enough to it. Use the exclusive JOTW Discount Code (C577JOTW) to save $100.
http://www.communitelligence.com/course/youhavebeenserved
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JOTW 11-2015 Add One
March 32, 2015
This is JOTW newsletter number 12,058
“I imagine a world without embellishment. You may say that I’m a dreamer; but I’m not the only one.”
–Brian Williams
“What?”
– Vincent van Gogh
*** Welcome to the JOTW network.
*** To submit a job for sharing on JOTW, please provide the job title, organization or company, and location and send it to Ned at lundquist989@cs.com. Provide a link or contact info so people can check out your listing or follow up if interested.
JOTW is sent out on Mondays by email with a list the jobs posted in the full newsletter, which is posted online at www.nedsjotw.com. This is designed to keep the size of the emails to a more manageable length.
*** The position descriptions and or follow up information on links to the jobs can be found at www.nedsjotw.com.
*** Posting a job is free. Recruiters can submit up to three jobs for free. Each job listing may be posted once in the newsletter for free
I request that you do not send pdf files that I have to copy and reformat. I prefer you provide your very brief job description in an email rather than an enclosure. Please limit the size of your position descriptions (generally to 500 words or less). “Can’t Wait” blast email priority listings are $300, and “Top Job” placement is $100. Just send to me at lundquist989@cs.com.
*** This is a cooperative service. It relies on your participation and contribution. As you receive the benefit of this free newsletter, you should also send in jobs you learn about. This is especially the case when there are job listings in the companies that you work for.
*** To sign up for JOTW or Ned’s other newsletters, visit this site:
.
*** To change your email address for JOTW, use the unsubscribe button at the bottom of your newsletter, and then subscribe with your new address at: .
*** This week’s Can’t Wait postings:
Ned—you know what? It actually can wait. Nevermind.
Can’t Wait jobs: These jobs are forwarded to the entire list as soon as they are received, and do not wait for the Monday newsletter, and are posted prominently on the JOTW website. Then they are posted first in the weekly JOTW newsletter. Can’t Wait postings cost $300. Contact Ned at lundquist989@cs.com.
*** This week’s top jobs:
None this week
(See details below)
*** Top Jobs: Stand above the rest. Your job can be right here, at the top of the weekly JOTW newsletter. Top job placement costs $100 per job per week. To be on top, contact Ned at lundquist989@cs.com.
*** If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I’ll share it with the JOTW network.
*** The JOTW network is built upon cooperative principles. Share, and reap the benefits. And it feels good to help others. I call it selfish altruism. But this also means you need to contribute.
*** Listing a position is free. Top jobs placement is $100, and a “Can’t Wait” posting is $300.
*** In this issue:
*** One Paragraph Pitch
1.) Communications Specialist, Duluth and Skagit Canal Authority, U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, Squeemish, Washington
2.) VICE PRESIDENT OF COMMUNICATION, The Selfie Institute, Chapel Hill, N.C.
3.) “Economist,” New England Patriots, Foxborough, Mass.
4.) MARKETING SPECIALIST, The Learning Channel, Bethesda, Md.
5.) VICE PRESIDENT OF COMMUNICATIONS, National Association of Sports Teams with Singular/Plural Nicknames, Orlando Fla.
6.) OPPONENT, Rhonda Rousey, UFC, Las Vegas
7.) XYLOPHONE PLAYER, U2, Dublin, Ireland
8.) HOST, The Daily Show, Comedy Central, New York
9.) HOST, The Colbert Report, Comedy Central, New York
10.) PUBLICIST, The Kanye West Awards, Hollywood, Calif.
11.) Ethicist, the Brian Williams Institute, New York
12.) Ethicist, the Bill O’Reilly Institute, New York
13.) Ethicist, Fox News, New York
14.) Ethicist, Sony Pictures, Hollywood
15.) Blogger, One Way Trip to Mars, Global Mars One Community, Mars
16.) DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS, National Association of Drone Operators, Arlington, Va.
17.) Happy Publicist, !Cuba Si Puede!, Miami
18.) PUBLICIST, The Interview II, Sony Pictures, Hollywood, Calif.
19.) ASSISTANT TO THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR, Disney Pictures, Buena Vista, Fla.
20.) Promotions Director, I Want My Old Job Back, Jay Leno, Burbank, CA
21.) Publicist, Cher “If I could turn back a lot more time” tour, Stale Odor Promotions, North Hollywood, CA
22.) CRISIS MANAGEMENT COORDINATOR, Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity National Headquarters, Baltimore, Md.
23.) PERSONAL ASSISTANT/PASSEPARTOUT, Ned Lundquist, ABC, Virginia and Worldwide
24.) Marketing and Communications, Just Say Yes to Conflict Cubic Zircomiums, Antwerp, Belgium
25.) Health care Communications, Buttox-Botox, Belowmykneesboro, Tennesee
26.) Marketing Communications/Brand Champion, Iron-fortified Shrapnel-roni Mac & Metal, Krass Foods, Pokeamajamoke, MD
27.) Sports Information Director, Pari-mutuel Olympics, Hialeah, Florida
28.) TOUR GUIDE/INTERN, Winter of 2013-2014 Memorial, Washington, D.C.
29.) PSYCHIC, National Security Agency, Washington, D.C. (Multiple positions)
30.) MARKET RESEARCH SPECIALIST, Chelsea Clinton for President 2032, Washington, D.C.
31.) THOUGHT LEADER/FLY FISHERMAN, The Sofman Institute, Maryland
32.) Techical Science Writer, Society of Complicated Technology, Princeton, NJ
33.) CUBICLE WHISPERER, Office Concepts Inc., Rockford, Ill.
34.) DIRECTOR OF ETERNAL AFFAIRS, End Times Foundation/Revelation Inc.
35.) Copywriter, Guangzhou Create lifelong love for Blossoming Adult Woman Glad Experiences Government Enterprise, Guangzhou , PRC
36.) CRISIS COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, International Association of Lousy No-Good Lazy Sons of Bitches (IALNGLSOB), Fort Lee, N.J.
37.) DUNGEON MASTER, Hemelvoth D&D Gamers, Aurora, Illinois
38.) Director of Development, Groundhog Defamation League, Punxatawney, PA
39.) BOUNTY HUNTER, Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, Punxsutawney, Pa.
40.) MARKETING DIRECTOR, Indiana Department of Tourism, Indianapolis
41.) REPLACEMENT SINGER, One Direction, London UK
42.) Marketing Communications, Budgie Smugglers, Speedo, Bondi Beach, NSW, Australia
43.) Hand disinfectant Refill Technician, 32,197th Portable Latrine Pumping Squadron, Helmet Head AFB, Frackville, PA
44.) Lard Slatherer/Icing froster/Donut technician, Soggymess Donuts, Lardosis Springs, Ohio
*** Weekly Piracy Report
*** One Paragraph Pitch
“Your stepfather? I’d like to meet him.”
(Oh no…why?)
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
Christian unlocks the door, his mouth in a grim line.
“Are you ashamed of me?”
“No!” It’s my turn to sound exasperated. “Introduce you to my dad as what? ‘This is the man who deflowered me and wants to start a BDSM relationship.’ You’re not wearing running shoes.”
–I’m sorry, did you say ‘One-Paragraph Pitch?’ I thought you said, ‘Reprint one of your favorite excerpts from “Fifty Shades of Grey.”’
*** One-Haiku Pitch
Trampoline artist
Looking to jump-start career
Ha-ha-ha—get it?
Please contact me at
I’ll be here all week.
*** Send your One Paragraph Pitch submissions to lundquist989@cs.com. You can pitch yourself or your business anyway you want, as long as it’s short and to the point. You can include a photo, too! There is no waiting list. And it’s free! Submit yours today!
*** Ned’s upcoming travel, maybe, perhaps:
April 10-12, Starbucks
April 22-27, Giant Pharmacy
May 11-17, South Pole
May 19-21, Banangbanang Binictican, Jeepney Island, Philippines
May 25-26, Chlorinated Springs, Florida
August 3-8, Sinkhole, Florida
August 17-19, Certain Death, Nevada
September 30-1 October, 7-Eleven
*** Your Very Next Step!
The January/February issue of YVNS newsletter is posted at
http://www.yourverynextstep.com/2015/02/01/your-very-next-step-newsletter-for-januaryfebruary-2015/
*** A great combination!
Aimee Davison of the YouTube channel “S*xperimental LOLP*rvs” (I did not make this up) shows us what happens when you wear a Mentos-covered bikini (I swear I did not make this up) and climb into a bathtub filled with $40 worth of Diet Coke (I swear I did not make this up).
*** Marvin who?
Dead Marvin Gaye sued for plagiarism
The estate of the deceased R&B soul singer Marvin Gaye has been sued by Parker Brother Toys for stealing the name “Marvin,” which appears on the company’s patented, trademarked and copyrighted Monopoly board game as “Marvin Gardens.” Company officials say they own it—along with nearby Atlantic and Ventnor Avenues, and have four houses on the property, and thus are owed $1,025 dollars.
*** Existential question:
Ned,
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetables oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Puzzled
(Ned replies: That’s a great question. One I get all the time. Let’s toss it out to the ned-work and see what they have to say.)
*** Let’s get to the jobs:
1.) Communications Specialist, Duluth and Skagit Canal Authority, U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, Squeemish, Washington
www.usajobs.gov/dy665gdmn399kd
2.) VICE PRESIDENT OF COMMUNICATION, The Selfie Institute, Chapel Hill, N.C.
Fast-growing segment of social media seeks VP to promote ethical, frugal and entertaining use of self-images. Send resume and self-photo using the following criteria:
- The “Mug Shot” (front and side)
- The “Miley Cyrus”
- The “Duck Face” (women applicants only. Please.)
- The “Ellen at the Academy Awards”
- The “Photo-Bomb”
- The “At the Gym”
- The “Foodie”
- The “With the Pet”
- The “Seatbelt/Car”
- The “I’m Still In Bed”
- The “I’m Drunk”
- The “I’m on an Airplane”
- The “Multi-Mirror/3-D”
- The “Pensive” (hand on chin, etc.)
- The “Pregnant Belly” (again, women only FTLOG)
- The “At the Sporting Event”
- The “At the Beach/Pool Showing Legs”
Candidates will be evaluated on creativity, evening gown and swimsuit. Please reply (with a brief essay on How to Sustain World Peace) to: The Selfie Institute, P.O. 99, Chapel Hill, N.C. 27514 or selfie@selfie.com. No faxes, please.
3.) “Economist,” New England Patriots, Foxborough, Mass.
Four-time Super Bowl Champion NFL club seeks experienced “economist” to provide analysis about “inflation,” “deflation” and other “economic” data. We are particularly interested in your theories on “deflation.” Why? Just asking. Resume and summary of “economic” skills to: Gillette Stadium, Equipment Room, Bathroom Stall 2, ask for “Jim M.,” Foxborough, Mass. 02035
4.) MARKETING SPECIALIST, The Learning Channel, Bethesda, Md.
Cable’s foremost education network seeks experienced Marketing Specialist to work on our exciting new lineup of educational and cultural programming.
You’ll work on new shows such as:
- Pay Attention to Me, I’m Kate Gosselin, Dammit!
- Wal-Mart Fashion Police
- My Five Hillbilly Girlfriends
- Amish Porn Stars
- When Puppies Join Gangs
- The Real Cheerleaders of Bemidji State
- There Goes Honey Boo-Boo, Way Down the Next Street
- 1,000 Things to Hate On Before You Die With Ann Coulter
- My 450-Pound Tumor Doesn’t Understand Me
- You’re Wearing THAT? Okay.
- Love It or List It or Foreclose It
You’ll working in a friendly, intellectual environment where creativity is encouraged and there’s no such thing as a bad idea. In fact, some of our worst ideas have become TV shows! No experience necessary. Resume to jobs@TheLearningChannel.edu.
5.) VICE PRESIDENT OF COMMUNICATIONS, National Association of Sports Teams with Singular/Plural Nicknames, Orlando Fla.
NASTSPN, whose members include the Miami Heat, the Utah Jazz, the Chicago Fire, the Philadelphia Union, the University of Alabama Crimson Tide and many others, seeks a Vice President of Communications to develop a strategy to tell people who are annoyed by this to just shut the heck up and get over it already, that ship has sailed, it’s the 21st frickin’ Century and we’re not changing our names to “Eagles” or “Wildcats” or “Hobbits.” Resume to vp@NASTSPN.com.
6.) OPPONENT, Rhonda Rousey, UFC, Las Vegas
$100,000 for 15 seconds of work, max. Send inquiries to tapout@UFC.org.
7.) XYLOPHONE PLAYER, U2, Dublin, Ireland
JOB SEARCH RE-OPENED. We still haven’t found who we’re looking for. Resume to bono@WhereStreetsHaveNoName.com.
8.) HOST, The Daily Show, Comedy Central, New York
Short-term position. Let’s face it—you could be the funniest, freshest face on the planet and you’re STILL not going to fill Jon Stewart’s shoes. You’re going to have a brutal first week; then it’s only going to get worse. After a month you’ll be put out of your misery and in two years you’ll be doing infomercials with Vince the ShamWow Guy. But…it’s your decision to apply. Resume to host@dailyshow/comedycentral.net.
9.) HOST, The Colbert Report, Comedy Central, New York
Short-term position. Let’s face it—you could be the funniest, freshest face on the planet and you’re STILL not going to fill Stephen Colbert’s shoes. You’re going to have a brutal first week; then it’s only going to get worse. After a month you’ll be put out of your misery and in two years you’ll be doing infomercials with Chef Tony. But…it’s your decision to apply. Resume to host@ColbertReport/comedycentral.net.
10.) PUBLICIST, The Kanye West Awards, Hollywood, Calif.
The first-ever Kanye West Awards Show (April 1st at 8:00 p.m. ET on CBS) recognizes worldwide Kayne West excellence in 15 categories. Founder/CEO Kanye West has been nominated in all 15 categories, including Greatest Artist, Nicest Guy, Philanthropist of the Year; Most Unselfish, Humblest and many more! Send resume and 500-word essay on why you think Kanye West is the best (!) to kwest@kwest.net. PLEASE NOTE: Successful candidates will never, under any circumstances, actually get to meet or talk or even be in the same room with Mr. West.
11.) Ethicist, the Brian Williams Institute, New York
HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding! Go on to the next posting.
12.) Ethicist, the Bill O’Reilly Institute, New York
HAHAHAHAHA! Fooled you again! Keep scrolling…
13.) Ethicist, Fox News, New York
Okay, we’ll stop now.
14.) Ethicist, Sony Pictures, Hollywood
HA! Fooled you again!
15.) Blogger, One Way Trip to Mars, Global Mars One Community, Mars
Do you like a challenge that is (literally) out of this world? Do you know fifty ways to describe “red dust?” The Global Mars One Community seeks intrepid, experienced blogger to chronicle our new colony on Mars for its eNewsletter, The Daily Red Planet. Some travel required. Candidates must have flexibility; a good command of English and Esperanto; ability to cope with claustrophobia; and a global—nay, universal–outlook on life. Resume and clips to drp@mars-one.com.
16.) DIRECTOR OF COMMUNICATIONS, National Association of Drone Operators, Arlington, Va.
NADO seeks media-savvy Director of Communications to do communications stuff. Must have ability to address key issues from the, oh, say, 20-50 foot level. Must own DJI Model 1.1.1 Quadcopter or higher. Resume to: Room 5-C, Hangar P, College Park Airport, College Park, MD 20740
17.) Happy Publicist, !Cuba Si Puede!, Miami
The New Cuba Tourism Board is looking for happy, dedicated publicists for the Caribbean’s new hotspot! These positions do not yet have a start date; we are waiting for a certain dictator to…you know. Resume to: CSP, P.O. Box 90, Miami, FL 30305 or jobs@IsHeDeadYet?.com.
18.) PUBLICIST, The Interview II, Sony Pictures, Hollywood, Calif.
Join Seth Rogan, James Franco and Sony Pictures as we return to Pyongyang in this highly anticipated sequel to our 2014 smash hit! This time, Aaron Rapoport (Rogan) and Dave Skylark (Franco) must return to the former North Korea to stop a plot by an army of Kim Jong Un clones (Randall Park in multiple roles) and Dennis Rodman from re-asserting power and threatening world peace. Hilarity ensues! Your role as publicist is to minimize controversy, promote the movie and, as necessary, act as a human shield. Resume and weapons experience to Int2@sonypictures.com.
19.) ASSISTANT TO THE ASSISTANT DIRECTOR, Disney Pictures, Buena Vista, Fla.
Capable assistant needed for assistant director of 101 Dominations, the Disney Studio’s kid-friendly adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey. Candidates must know entire Dunkin’ Donuts menu by heart; running shoes required; ability to multi-task and endure incredible amounts of abuse necessary. Master’s Degree or higher. Submit (get it?) resume to Dominatrix@magickingdom.net.
20.) Promotions Director, I Want My Old Job Back, Jay Leno, Burbank, CA
www.nbcuniversal.com/whaddyasayjay?careers/retread
21.) Publicist, Cher “If I could turn back a lot more time” tour, Stale Odor Promotions, North Hollywood, CA
www.cher.com/justonemoretime/jobs/9887.utm.botox
22.) CRISIS MANAGEMENT COORDINATOR, Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity National Headquarters, Baltimore, Md.
Whooooooo, doggie! Do you have your work cut out for you or WHAT? Ideal candidate requires no sleep and has multiple pairs of brown pants. jobs@sae.edu/grk/oops.
23.) PERSONAL ASSISTANT/PASSEPARTOUT, Ned Lundquist, ABC, Virginia and Worldwide
Ned Lundquist, ABC, the “Hardest-Working Man in Networking,” requires a Personal Assistant to personally assist him as he travels the world and makes the communication profession a happier, friendlier place. You will work 18-20 hour days and travel 220 days of the year, to exciting places such as Oakland, California; Malmo, Sweden; Djibouti, Wherever That Is; and Steubenville, Ohio. Duties include: dictation (Gregg Shorthand preferred); scheduling; packing/luggage toting; calling his family; waiting outside of airline sky lounges while Ned has a drink; and serving as Ned’s personal Scapegoat when things (inevitably) go horribly wrong. Ability to say “I’m sorry” in 10 or more languages a must. Class “B” Butler/Valet License or higher; IABC Accreditation preferred. Resume, 8×10 glossy photo and curriculum vitae to: jobs@JOTW.com.
24.) Marketing and Communications, Just Say Yes to Conflict Cubic Zircomiums, Antwerp, Belgium
www.cubiczirconium.com/766gdi&jobID:6557?WHTF
25.) Health care Communications, Buttox-Botox, Belowmykneesboro, Tennesee
www.jobstalker.com/paid/fishnet/scrounge.utm.8873ll0d&jobID1226539&SiteID:NEDSJOTW?Referral/9983
26.) Marketing Communications/Brand Champion, Iron-fortified Shrapnel-roni Mac & Metal, Krass Foods, Pokeamajamoke, MD
www.krassfoods.com/careers/3662?jjkkd&macmetal2881.wtf?
27.) Sports Information Director, Pari-mutuel Olympics, Hialeah, Florida
www.ladbrokes.com\SID&olympivs&5330986u7894hd89j2j.asp
28.) TOUR GUIDE/INTERN, Winter of 2013-2014 Memorial, Washington, D.C.
Energetic, positive person sought for semester-long positions with the Winter of 2013-2014 Memorial, which commemorates one of the toughest winters in the history of the Nation’s Capital and the Northeast Corridor.
Candidate will help maintain decorum of this august memorial and offer excellent customer service in answering questions and providing pertinent information. Qualified candidates may also be tapped to conduct guided tours of the museum. Candidate will also be required to clean bathrooms and assist staff with lunch delivery.
Resume/cover letter to: Winter of 2013-2014 Memorial, 900 Ohio Drive SW, Washington, D.C. 20004; you can also hologram your materials to internships@wintermemorial.gov.
29.) PSYCHIC, National Security Agency, Washington, D.C. (Multiple positions)
NSA—the agency that perfected the art of surveillance more than 25 years ago—seeks qualified Psychics to assist us in tracking terrorist activity before it happens.
As part of the ESP (Ethereal Surveillance Practices) Initiative, candidates will nip terrorism in the bud through clairvoyant practices; eventually, candidates will help stop crime before the criminals think of it.
Candidates will receive a salary plus commission; unlimited income potential. Candidates know where to send their resume.
30.) MARKET RESEARCH SPECIALIST, Chelsea Clinton for President 2032, Washington, D.C.
Help us elect a new generation of Clinton! Long hours, lousy pay, frequent travel. Must be able to take abuse well. jobs@chelsealately.org.
31.) THOUGHT LEADER/FLY FISHERMAN, The Sofman Institute, Maryland
The Sofman Institute, a recognized leader in philosophical thought and quality freshwater fishing, seeks a senior-level thought leader and fly fisherman to formulate policy analysis and land that elusive 20-pound brook trout.
The ideal candidate possesses a strong background in policy analysis; is an early riser; can articulate complex concepts and ideas in a clear, concise manner and can stand erect in thigh-high rushing currents. A strong publishing history and/or boating experience highly desired. Background in social media/ability to tie a fly under pressure expected. Bachelor’s degree and/or BassMaster preferred. Resume, CV and your best fish story to: msofman@sofmanInst.com.
32.) Techical Science Writer, Society of Complicated Technology, Princeton, NJ
You must be able to explain really complex ideas and concepts, and stuff like that. Like really complicated subjects, that only mostly super-smart people know about, but you have to be able to kind of lay it all out so normal people get it. You know? I mean some subjects, like math and money stuff, and like what goes on inside the body, or up in space, is pretty darn complicated.
Send writing samples to:
Dr. D. Leo Dorksley-Smartford, III, PhD, SCT Fellow, ONJT
c/o New Jersey Turnpike
33.) CUBICLE WHISPERER, Office Concepts Inc., Rockford, Ill.
The world’s largest cubicle designer seeks a qualified Cubicle Whisperer to work with clients making the transition from offices to cube farms.
Responsibilities:
- Using prepared scripts and approved ad libs, work with clients to assure them of the efficiency and overall benefits of the Cubicle Lifestyle;
- Assist clients in maximizing their cubicle designs to promote efficiency;
- Create selling opportunities for company noise-reduction headphones and other equipment (commission paid);
- Counsel employees having difficulty making transition to Cubicle Lifestyle by reminding them that they are lucky to have a job.
- Other duties as assigned.
Qualifications:
- Master’s degree or doctorate in psychology/human resources or related field (or unrelated field; we’re not that picky);
- Certifications in Six Sigma, Total Quality Management; 360 Feedback, Zero Defects or other human resources fad;
- Related experience within field or outside field (i.e., used car sales, Radio Shack, etc.)
Resume/cover letter to: Office Concepts Inc.; Human Resources Department; P.O. Box 45993; Building H, 6th Floor; Row D; Cubicle 9-H; Slot 3, Rockford, IL 61008. No phone calls, please.
*** From Mark Sofman:
34.) DIRECTOR OF ETERNAL AFFAIRS, End Times Foundation/Revelation Inc.
Contact us; we will know you by your number.
35.) Copywriter, Guangzhou Create lifelong love for Blossoming Adult Woman Glad Experiences Government Enterprise, Guangzhou , PRC
www.BlossomingExperiences.com/connect/766hd99ks/land=english
36.) CRISIS COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, International Association of Lousy No-Good Lazy Sons of Bitches (IALNGLSOB), Fort Lee, N.J.
We are a group of largely unemployed/unemployable idiots. We’re the people who blame Obama for everything in the comments sections of news stories on the internet. Your job? Make us happy. How? That’s up to you. Resume to jobs@IALNGLSOB.org
www.crappyjobfinder.net/7663.98889jobpostID0997833kghgbd7890903jhk/IALNGLSOB.refsiteID877NEDSJOTW
37.) DUNGEON MASTER, Hemelvoth D&D Gamers, Aurora, Illinois
We are a group of 7-9 avid Dungeons & Dragons players (level 50-plus) seeking an experienced Dungeon Master who can create an active, enjoyable campaign. You must we well-versed in Version 5. And PLEASE don’t be like our last DM, who didn’t like the fact that we were playing Forgotten Realms and didn’t care for the common language, so hardly any of us could communicate with each other. Which was terrible. I was playing a Half-Drow Hexblade and my friend played a Fire Genasi Wizard, and this DM just didn’t know what to do with us. So he tells me and the Fire Genasi, “You two are walking down the street, and you see a tavern that looks like a good place to stop off.” So I said, “What’s the name of the tavern?” He looked puzzled for a minute, and then said, “Uhh…the…Rusty Trombone.” Anyway, a whole bunch of bad RP later, we’re escorting a caravan to some trader outside the city, and DM decides it’s time for a random encounter. So, he rolls, lands on Orcs, and we quickly dispatch them. He decides we need another encounter, and here’s where we come to the problem with random encounter charts. He rolls a sphinx. The sphinx lands in front of us, and I say, “What’s your riddle, sphinx?” The DM looks confused, and says, “Uh, I don’t have a riddle…I figured you would just kill it…” So then, he tells us to wait, and scribbles something on a piece of paper, declaring that his riddle is ready. He announces that I must finish the quote, and proceeds to read the first half of the brothers’ prayer from Boondock Saints. I was dumbfounded. After that, my friends and I just left, and told him that we couldn’t deal with a movie trivia sphinx! So if you’re not like that, please send us an email at LordsOfHemelvoth@DDAurora.net.
38.) Director of Development, Groundhog Defamation League, Punxatawney, PA
www.sappynonprofitjobs.org/careers/gdl\7663jhh%fgsh72%SiteID:NEDSJOTW?post776329
39.) BOUNTY HUNTER, Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, Punxsutawney, Pa.
The Punxsutawney Groundhog Club, proud protectors of the world’s greatest marmota momax, Punxsutawney Phil, wants to keep it that way. We know that you have become annoyed with all the Punxsutawney Phil imposters that have popped out of the ground like…well, like a groundhog, that make their own bold predictions on February 2, trying to cash in on our proud and noble tradition. Well, we’re not going to take it anymore.
We’re looking for a Bounty Hunter to take out the following imposters:
- Octorara Orphie,
- Dunkirk Dave,
- Staten Island Chuck,
- General Beuregard Lee,
- Tutor the Llama (technically not a groundhog, but an imposter nonetheless),
- Buckeye Chuck,
- Claude the Crawfish (again, technically not a groundhog but we don’t care),
- Connecticut Chuckles,
- Pierre C. Shadow,
- Sir Walter Wally, and
- Jimmy the Groundhog.
We will pay $500 per pelt and a copy of our recipe book, “400 Ways to Cook Groundhogs that Aren’t Named Punxsutawney Phil.” You must provide your own weapons/traps. Please send discrete inquiries to: PGC, Groundhog Square, Punxsutawney, PA 15767.
40.) MARKETING DIRECTOR, Indiana Department of Tourism, Indianapolis
The Indiana Department of Tourism seeks a Marketing Director to help us wrap our arms around a new slogan. It seems that our current slogan, “Welcome To Indiana–Except for You, Mr. Limp Wrist; and You, Lesbian Couple; and You, Mr. Non-Christian; and You, Scary Minority; and You, Feminist Demanding Birth Control,” is a bit wordy and perhaps sends a conflicting message. But the law is the law, right? Anyway, we could use some help. Experience dealing with economic boycotts and crisis communications a plus. Resume to: Governor Dick Pence, Governor’s Mansion, Indianapolis, IN 46201.
41.) REPLACEMENT SINGER, One Direction, London UK
World’s most popular boy band has opening for a fifth member, now that Zayn Malik has left. We seek a male between the ages of 18 and 65 with excellent singing skills, dancing skills and ability to work with others in a collaborative , supportive environment. Frequent travel; long hours; fame; groupies. You’ll probably even get to meet Ellen DeGeneris! BTW we were just kidding about the “18 and 65” part; if you’re not between the ages of 18 and 21, we’re going to come up with all kinds of “legal” excuses to eliminate you. Resume and 8”x10” glossy photo to: 1D, Piccadilly Circus, London UK 1C5 W7D. No phone calls.
Dispute resolutions specialist, Association of Phone Telemarketer Scam Artists, Ponzi Bay, New York
- Must have handle/nickname such as “Bad News,” “The Fist,” or “Krusher.” Having a “backstory” is a plus.
- Visible physical deformities, or slurred speech due to concussions a plus.
- Having won or participated in a WrestleMania “Royal Rumble Match” worth extra points, determined on Personal Best and Average Time spent before elimination.
- Tattoos and body piercings–such that the candidate appears to be more intimidating–a plus. A generous stipend is available for additional body art, but must be approved in advance.
(Note: You will be permitted to conduct business with the assistance of a posse or entourage, but they will be considered independent contractors and will be paid by you, not by APTSA.)
(Note: APTSA does not have a wellness program and does not offer child care benefits.)
Equal opportunity Offender. Visigoths, Vikings, Huns, Barbarians encouraged to apply.
www.APTAscam.com/f6673/jobs/j8873.uspkkn.submit
42.) Marketing Communications, Budgie Smugglers, Speedo, Bondi Beach, NSW, Australia
www.speedo.au/jobs/budgysmugglers
*** Weekly alternative job selections:
43.) Hand disinfectant Refill Technician, 32,197th Portable Latrine Pumping Squadron, Helmet Head AFB, Frackville, PA
www.usafjobs.gov/6779068j.jjfu7r/kwu3778.uto
44.) Lard Slatherer/Icing froster/Donut technician, Soggymess Donuts, Lardosis Springs, Ohio
www.Soggymess.com/jobs/fyyt653lardslatherer/h886/jobid:9887/referralid:87753/siteid:98870214556
*** Weekly Piracy Report:
034-15 02.02.2015: 1630 LT: Posn: 10:37S – 150:45E, Papua New Guinea.
Six robbers armed with guns and knives in an orange and white dingy approached and boarded a local passenger boat. Shots were fired in the air. The Captain emerged from his cabin in a smoking jacket, holding a glass of claret, and said “What’s all this, then?” One of the robbers replied, “I am the captain, now.” “Oh, no you’re not,” the Captain replied. The Captain and the robber argued for several minutes, after which time the robbers said, “You’re no fun anymore,” and left.
033-15 11.03.2015: 0100 UTC: Posn: 10:15N – 107:02E: Vung Tau Anchorage, Vietnam.
Duty AB onboard an anchored bulk carrier noticed robbers on deck. “You’re not supposed to be here!” he said. The intruders apologized and robbed a gas station instead.
032-15 07.03.2015: 0930 LT: Posn: 06:13.11N – 119:50.18E, Around 18nm NNW of Laparan Island, Philippines.
A suspected mother vessel disguised as fishing vessel deployed six high speed skiffs which chased a bulk carrier underway. The persons onboard the skiffs wearing camouflage clothes circled around and attempted to board the ship. Master raised alarm, water spray system activated, increased speed, took evasive maneuvers, broadcast security messages continuously via VHF channel 16 and contacted Philippines navy for assistance. None of this mattered because the ship hit a rock and sunk. The End.
036-11 02.07.2015: 1800 LT: Posn: 12:09S – 134:45E, Port of Singapore.
A boat entered Port of Singapore and this dude announced, “This is a robbery, everyone put your hands up!” which made absolutely sense because have you ever been to the Port of Singapore? It’s huge and the dude didn’t even have a megaphone. So, everyone’s ignoring the dude and he’s getting frustrated so he moves his boat up to this cargo ship and just ever so slightly taps the leeward side. And a whole bunch of dudes on the cargo ship come running over to the side and say, “Dude, did you just hit our ship?” And the dude says, “Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t,” and taps the boat again and then takes out a set of keys and just runs it along the hull. And the guys on the ship yell, “Oh, no you didn’t” and they run over and get a water cannon and just blast this dude with a three-second spray that knocks him to the boat’s deck. And he’s sputtering and swearing and the guys on the ship are laughing and then they drop the anchor on the dude’s boat and sink it and he has to swim all the way to the docks and he didn’t even have enough money to go to Starbuck’s.
*** Ball cap of the week: U.S. Coast Guard Sector San Diego
*** Coffee Mug of the week: Office of Naval Research
*** T-shirt of the week: Brian Williams School of Embellishment, Brookdale Community College, Monmouth, New Jersey
*** Musical guest artist of the week: The Heavy
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