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“Go buy Ivanka’s stuff, is what I would tell you. … I’m going to give it a free commercial here: Go buy it today.”
-Kelly Conway
https://ivankatrump.com/collection/
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JOTW 13-2017 Add One
March 32, 2017
This is JOTW newsletter number 1,696.5
“Of all lovely days, this was the loveliest, with narcissi and crocus reflecting the blazing rays of the golden orb, and the faintly ill queasiness of the pear blossoms causing mild distress not to overshadow the thorns of the cotoneaster, their fermented red and orange berries now stripped by birds who stayed just long enough to feel lustful inebriation under bending boughs, and the rotting logs and leaf mold bearing forth millipedes that emerge to feel the glorious radiant warmth of spring, and bright blue, pink and yellow primroses in primary colors to awaken the herb garden, bursting forth with long purple stalks of lavender and woody bushes of rosemary, and lest the Lenten lilies should fail to hold forth to the solemn congregation, like chants, as once and together they arise to cheer the springtime and give glory to the Divine creator, the tendrils of the honeysuckle suspending the richly scented blossoms, which hung heavily in the soft morning air, such that she melted small and wonderful in his arms, she became infinitely desirable to him, all his blood-vessels seemed to scald with intense yet tender desire, for her, for her softness, for the penetrating beauty of her in his arms, the goosebumps, the suppleness of her young flesh, passing into his blood. Ohhhh babyyyyy.”
– D. H. Lawrence
*** Welcome to the JOTW network.
*** To submit a job for sharing on JOTW, please provide the job title, organization or company, and location and send it to Ned at lundquist989@cs.com. Provide a link or contact info so people can check out your listing or follow up if interested.
JOTW is sent out on Mondays by email with a list the jobs posted in the full newsletter, which is posted online at www.nedsjotw.com. This is designed to keep the size of the emails to a more manageable length.
*** The position descriptions and or follow up information on links to the jobs can be found at www.nedsjotw.com.
*** Posting a job is free. Recruiters can submit up to three jobs for free. Each job listing may be posted once in the newsletter for free
I request that you do not send pdf files that I have to copy and reformat. I prefer you provide your very brief job description in an email rather than an enclosure. Please limit the size of your position descriptions (generally to 500 words or less). “Can’t Wait” blast email priority listings are $300, and “Top Job” placement is $100. Just send to me at lundquist989@cs.com.
*** This is a cooperative service. It relies on your participation and contribution. As you receive the benefit of this free newsletter, you should also send in jobs you learn about. This is especially the case when there are job listings in the companies that you work for.
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*** This week’s Can’t Wait postings:
$300?! Forget it. It can wait.
Can’t Wait jobs: These jobs are forwarded to the entire list as soon as they are received, and do not wait for the Monday newsletter, and are posted prominently on the JOTW website. Then they are posted first in the weekly JOTW newsletter. Can’t Wait postings cost $300. Contact Ned at lundquist989@cs.com.
*** This week’s top jobs:
$100? For what? Are you crazy?
*** Top Jobs: Stand above the rest. Your job can be right here, at the top of the weekly JOTW newsletter. Top job placement costs $100 per job per week. To be on top, contact Ned at lundquist989@cs.com.
*** If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I’ll share it with the JOTW network.
*** The JOTW network is built upon cooperative principles. Ciooperate with Ned, or else.
*** Listing a position is free. Top jobs placement is $100, and a “Can’t Wait” posting is $300.
*** One Paragraph Pitch
I’m thinking about getting back into public speaking, or maybe giving a keynote at the IABC Heritage Region Confrence, which I am told is November 5-7 in Pittsburg, PA (https://iabcheritageconference.com/). I’ve been getting rercognized more and more for doing an amnazing job, and a lot of people have been hearing a lot of good things about me lately.
Frederick Douglass
*** One-Haiku Pitch
I can’t do Haiku
A journalism major
Can’t count very well
*** Send your One Paragraph Pitch submissions to lundquist989@cs.com. You can pitch yourself or your business anyway you want, as long as it’s short and to the point. You can include a photo, too! There is no waiting list. And it’s free! Submit yours today!
*** Ned’s upcoming travel, maybe, perhaps:
April 10-12 Don’t know
April 22-27, Not sure
May 11-17, Pending
May 19-21, Awaiting funding
May 25-26, Maybe
August 3-8, Perhaps
August 17-19, Will consider
September 30-1 October, Still thinking about it
0ctober 10 13, Wife says “No f*cking way!”
*** Your Very Next Step!
The March/April 2017 issue of YVNS newsletter is posted at
http://www.yourverynextstep.com/2017/03/26/your-very-next-step-newsletter-for-march-april-2016-2/
*** Let’s get to the jobs:
1.) Communications Specialist, Swamp Drainage Project, Chesapeake and Ohio Canal Company, U.S. Army Corps of Engineers, Georgetown, District of Columbia
www.usajobs.gov/dy665gdmn399kd
2.) VICE PRESIDENT OF COMMUNICATION, National Endowment for Photo-Bombing, Rearch Triangle, N.C.
www.nefpb.org/careers’communications
3.) Retribution Communications, National Football League, New York, NY
www.nfl.com/jobs retributioncommunications/
4.) Writer, the Alternative Facts Institute, Washington, D.C.
Think tank formed in 1987 (or 1990) seeks creative writer to provide refreshingly different perspective on today’s events. You’ll create stories about exciting events, such as the Trump Tower Wiretap Incident of 2016; the Cleveland Indians’ historic 2016 World Series win; and Why Meals on Wheels is a Communist Plot. Resume, cover letter and 500-word essay on how you felt when you saw 3 million people on the Mall for President Trump’s inauguration to: AFI, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, D.C. 20001
5.) EXTREMELY DUMB PEOPLE, Chevy Focus Groups Commercials, Detroit, Mich.
Chevy is in desperate need of lots more extremely dumb people who have never heard of Chevy so we can use you in our never-ending televised “focus group” commercials. Ideal candidates are between 21 and 40 years of age; good-looking; prone to saying out loud the first thing that pops in their head; and dumber than a rock. We’ll do the rest! Email your resume and a photo (.gif or .jpeg) to: Iamanidiot@chevy.com.
5.) COMMISSAR/MORALE OFFICERS (MULTIPLE OPENINGS), The White House, Washington, D.C.
Are you into “quality control?” Do you enjoy working with good people? Do you hate working with “bad” people? Are you a keen observer of the human psyche? Can you stop a conversation you don’t like with a withering glance? The White House seeks energetic, observant and LOYAL individuals to serve as Commissars/Morale Officers at dozens of federal agencies in the Washington, D.C. area and around the country. Some administrative work required; excellent pay and benefits (including health care!). Resume to SpiesLikeUs@WhiteHouse.gov.
6.) BAGHDAD BOBs, Metro Safe Track, Washington, D.C.
The Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority seeks Reassurance Specialists to stand at area Metro Stations and tell people that “everything is fine.” That’s it. No eye contact necessary. Resume to Jobs@Metro.org.
6.) Steelworkers/brinck layers/congrete specialists/general laborers, Great Wall Construction Company, Calexico, Califonia
www.lowpayingjobsforimigrantslaborbrokers.com/wall
7.) VICE PRESIDENT OF PUBLIC RELATIONS, American Pharmaceutical Association, Washington, D.C.
Major Washington trade association/lobbying organization seeks experienced Vice President of Public Relations to oversee all communications strategy and member outreach, including media relations, social media, member communications and corporate strategy. Bachelor’s degree minimum; master’s degree preferred with at least 10-15 years of progressive responsibilities. Consult with your doctor before applying for this position. Side effects include irritability, increased blood pressure, loss of taste and digestive unpredictability. Do not apply for this position if you have ever experienced massive blood loss, blackouts, amnesia or previous death. These conditions can increase with this position. You may bruise more easily if you take this position. In some cases, applicants have reported an increase in diabetes, hepatitis C, angina and both menopause and womenopause. Ask your doctor if the Vice President of Public Relations position is right for you. For more information, visit our website at www.OnthePharm.com.
8.) Inivisibility expert, special assistant to Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, Washington, DC
Forget you ever saw me
9.) SPOKESPERSON, The Air Lyin’ Pilots Association, Dulles, Va.
Trade group representing pilots who don’t really fly seeks Spokesperson. Don’t ask. Seriously, don’t ask. Resume to YouCantHideYourFlyingLies@Pilots.net.
10.) Marketing Communications, inventory reduction specialist, Atlanta Falcons, Atlanta, GA
We’ve got some Atlanta Falcon World Champions merchandise to move.
www.atlantafalcons.com/nfl/jobs/merchandisingspecialist
11.) PUBLICIST, Rock Band, Los Angeles
Well, we’re big rock singers; we’ve got golden fingers; and we’re loved everywhere we go. We sing about beauty and we sing about truth for $10,000 a show. We take all kinds of pills that give us all kind of thrills but the thrill we’ve never known is the thrill that’ll gitcha when you get your picture on the cover of the Rollin’ Stone. Can you help us? Thanks. Call us—867-5309. Ask for Jenny.
12.) Communications Intern, National Extreme Vetting Appreciation Day, Dulles, Viginia
www.vettingaffairsadministration.gov/careers
13.) ANGRY CONSTITUENTS, The Soros Foundation, Chicago
Leading liberal agitator seeks Angry Constituents to appear at Republican “town meetings” and campaign appearances to shout, heckle and disrupt. We pay $1,500 per event (shh—it’s a secret). Contact us at Soros@Soros.com.
14.) ANGRY CONSTITUENTS, Koch Industries, Washington, D.C.
Leading conservative agitators seeks Angry Constituents to appear at Democratic “town meetings” and campaign appearances to shout, heckle and disrupt. We pay $1,500 per event (shh—it’s a secret). Contact us at KochIsLife@Koch.com.
15.) Professor of Linguistics and Jargonomics, College of Cliches, University of Catoctin Creek, Blowsville, Maryland
We seeking a rock star to get on the soapbox to provide enhanced granularity to when you are handed lemons, you connect the dots to corale the best-in-show examples of sweat equity that results in maximum, bang for the buck lemonade.
www.catoctincreek.edu/careers/jargonomics
16.) THREE OF CLUBS, Bicycle Card Co., Cincinnati, Ohio
Longtime playing card manufacturer seeks Three of Clubs to fulfill request from customer who claims his mother-in-law is “one card short of a deck.” Reply to: P.O. Box 88749, Cincinnati, OH 45217.
17.) PUBLICIST, TopShelf Publishing, New York
Lifestyle book publisher seeks publicist to accompany author Zig Flofield on a national tour promoting his book, “More Painful than Childbirth: One Man’s Struggle against Hangnails.” Responsibilities include scheduling, advance work, supplies coordination and security. Martial arts background preferred. Resume to MorePainfulThanChildbirth@TopShelf.edu.
18.) PUBLIC RELATIONS ‘LIAISONS,’ Government of Russia, Moscow
The Russian government seeks qualified “liaisons” to help it “improve relations” with the U.S. government in these exciting times! This is a highly prestigious position. Ideal candidates should possess a sense of discretion, knowledge of rural backroads in the Washington, D.C. area; excellent networking skills and access to top U.S. government officials and election monitors. U.S. citizenship required; top security clearance preferred. Generous compensation package. Resume to: The Big White Rock Under the Bridge, Wheels Ferry Road, Poolesville, MD 20819. NO PHONE CALLS!
19.) WARDROBE POLICE, United Airlines, Chicago, IL
The world’s greatest airline wants to keep it that way. We seek people who have experience wearing clothing to make sure our passengers properly represent the airline when they travel with us. This challenging job entails identifying passengers—such as 10-year-old girls—who are wearing “inappropriate” clothing (your interpretation), and turning their experience into an international public relations nightmare for us. It’s easier than it sounds! Resume and link to personal Facebook page to: UnfriendlySkies@UA.com.
20.) WIDGETS, International Association of Communication Professors, Evanston, Ill.
Due to the worldwide shortage of widgets, the nation’s mass communication professors have been unable to provide clear examples of communication measurement for the past three years, depriving an entire generation of future communication professionals with a valuable component of their education. To alleviate this, the IACP asks seasoned communication professionals to go through their belongings, drawers, closets, garages and storage units to replenish the world widget supply. We will accept widgets in any condition—they only need to be clearly identified as a widget. They can be any size, weight or quantity—the more the better! And all widget donations are tax-deductible! Communicators may send their widgets to: IACP, Northwestern University, Medill School of Journalism, Clark Adams Bldg, 1845 Sheridan Rd, Evanston, IL 60208
21.) BRAND MANAGER, The Ninth Planet Society, San Ramon, Calif.
We are the Ninth Planet Society, a dedicated group of psuedoscientists, researchers and cos-play enthusiasts who firmly believe—and insist—that Pluto is indeed the ninth planet in the solar system. We Plutoniums fight for justice and challenge those short-sighted, hair-splitting arbiters of astronomy who relegated our planet (and YES, Neil Degrasse Tyson, it IS a planet no matter what you say!) to minor league status. Join us as we strive to elevate Pluto back to where it should be: our beloved Ninth Rock From the Sun. Resume to IGotYourDwarfPlanetRightHere@9PS.geo.
22.) AISLE-CLEARER, Kmart, Locations across U.S.
You know the story: you stop by your local Kmart to pick up some socks and you can’t get to Hosiery because someone has scattered dozens of 4X yoga pants in the aisle, creating a shopping cart jam worse than the Dan Ryan Expressway during rush hour. Your job is to create pathways in our stores wide enough for a single shopping cart to pass through. Knowledge of merchandise a plus; engineering degree preferred. Resume to jobs@kmart.com.
23.) PORCELAIN WIZARD, Nick’s Plunger Emporium, Metuchen, New Jersey
What’s the one product every home needs? Okay, besides electricity, heat, air conditioning, a kitchen, cable TV, etc.: PLUMBING! And today’s modern homes often have more than one bathroom (Can you believe it? Who needs more than one bathroom?), but also too often only have just one toilet plunger. I’m not going to kid you—this is a TRAVESTY! Because when that “moment” happens, you don’t want to be traipsing around the house with your pants around your ankles looking for the plunger—which is ALWAYS in the other bathroom! I’m Nick, the proprietor of Nick’s Plunger Emporium, and I believe that EVERY BATHROOM should have its own plunger (NO SHARING!). That’s why I opened Nick’s Plunger Emporium. We have plungers or all shapes and sizes, from mini’s to Industrial. Our handles are made of ash, maple, oak, cherry, pine, hickory, yew (we call it “ewww!”) and even mohagany! And our flaps are made of only the finest rubbers and plastics. Join me in my quest and remember—the plunger chooses the toilet! Excellent pay and benefits. Resume to FlushYou@Nicks.com.
24.) FOCUS GROUP PARTICIPANTS, “Hamilton,” New York, NU
The most successful Broadway show in history is looking for a select group of people who can provide an honest critique of our multiple Tony-Award winning musical. We will pick you up at your home, treat you to dinner at a fabulous New York restaurant and provide you with orchestra seats to a performance of “Hamilton” so that we can get your feedback on how we can make our show even better. HA-HA! JUST KIDDING! We really want to sell you a timeshare in Atlantic City! No, you cannot leave until you sign this contract. We can wait ALL DAY. No, you may not have a bottle of water. Just sign the contract. Sign. The. Contract. SIGN IT! To make a reservation, call us at 1-866-HAM-ILTON. Must be 21 or older; if married, spouse required to accompany.
25.) BANDWAGON DRIVER, the Chicago Cubs, Chicago, IL
The Curse is Over; the Chicago Cubs are World Series Champions! And one thing we’ve noticed ever since breaking that 108-year drought is that we suddenly have a lot of new “fans” who have jumped on the Cubbies bandwagon and claim to have been following the team since they were kids, even though they wouldn’t know Jack Brickhouse or Harry Carey from Steve Harvey and give you a blank stare whenever you mention Ron Santo or Ferguson Jenkins or Ernie Banks or Tinker-to-Evers-to-Chance. Your job as Bandwagon Driver is to help us take them for as much money as possible. Shirts, caps, cards, memorabilia—while they’re standing around celebrating “our Cubs” you go over and call them out and force them to buy Cubs merchandise! Together we’ll make them True Cubs Fans while getting filthy rich in the process. Visit www.cubs.mlb for more information.
26.) MASCOT, The Roswell Tinfoil Hats, Roswell, New Mexico
Minor league baseball team has entry level public relations/community relations Mascot position available. Your job is to dress as a giant tinfoil hat and argue with fans about fluoride in tap water; how chemtrails are controlling your mind; why the moon landing was fake; Paul McCartney died in 1966; Jim Morrison is still alive; Andy Kaufmann is still alive; Frederick Douglass is still alive; the Illuminati control the world; and of course, Area 51. You’ll be paid in Bitcoin. Resume to TinMan@RTFH.com.
27.) PUBLIC AFFAIRS OFFICER, England, London, U.K.
It’s us—the United Kingdom. You know—This royal throne of kings, this scepter’d isle, this earth of majesty, this seat of Mars, this other Eden, demi-paradise, this fortress built by Nature for herself against infection and the hand of war, this happy breed of men, this little world, this precious stone set in the silver sea, which serves it in the office of a wall, or as a moat defensive to a house, against the envy of less happier lands, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England—those blokes. Anyway, we just told Europe to take a short walk off the White Cliffs of Dover, which is jolly good, but now that we’re “England Alone” for the first time since 1940, we’re a bit at sixes and sevens as to what to do next. So join us as we launch our new consumer spending campaign, “You Brexit, You Bought It.” Crisis communications experience preferred. Resume to: NoBrexPleaseWeAreBritish@UK.uk.
28.) Communications and Development Director, Institute for the Eradication of Pastoral Pestilence and Bucolic Plague, Ville de Puanteur, Switzerland
IEPPBP is a World Health Organization (WHO) sanctioned international scientific society dedicated to the eradication of bucolic plague, affecting billions of people around the world.
The Communications and Development Director is charged with increasing awareness and raising funds to carry out the organizations research into phenomena affecting people exposed to factors relating to or typical of rural life, including septicemic simplicity and serious manifestations of country lifestyles, often affecting shepherds, herdsmen, dairy farmers.
Send resume and blood sample to IEPPBP, Box 1, Ville de Puanteur, Switzerland
*** Weekly alternative job selections:
29.) Theologistician, Booz Allen Hamilton, McLean, Virginia
Position description
The theologistician will be responsible for total life-cycle (and beyond) supply chain management of spirituality, morality and ethics.
– Assign metaphysical metrics to acts of altruism and sin, striving for positive balance, prayer beads, prayer wheels, rosaries and icon bobbleheads.
– Provide searchable inventory database of all religious texts.
– Track and service aids to contemplation and liturgical line items.
– Monitor and maintain methods of meditation.
– Ensure visibility of upstream and downstream product to provide just-in time delivery of miracles based on demand.
– Allocate of enlightenment based on quantifiable ascetic achievement
– Ascertain valid need and ascertain sincerity in regard to requisitions for divine intervention
– Correlate meteorological phenomenon and sports team performance and competition results to prioritized prayer requests
– Investigate, inspect, validate and certify adherence to vows of poverty and chastity
– Responsibly for receipting for sacramental wine, managing completion of assigned penance; issuing material inventory, issuing material, and warranty tracking
– Conduct failure analysis and develop disciplinary protocols for faults, faults and most grievous faults.
– Prioritize requisition and order status, with an emphasis on Holy Orders
– Evaluate “out of the tabernacle” unorthodox approaches to theoloigistics
www.BAH.com/careers/u776h.442&dr527893?jobIDl9974736theo0&siteID099736625JOTW&refer9984
*** Weekly Piracy Report:
034-17 02.02.2015: 1630 LT: Posn: 10:37S – 150:45E, Washington, DC
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer reported that the “media” has stolen the truth.
*** Ball cap of the week: USS Donad Trump (SSBN 1)
*** Coffee Mug of the week: USS Ivanka Trump (BB 99)
*** T-shirt of the week: USS Mar-E-Largo (CG-79)
*** Musical guest artist of the week: Lawrence Welk plays Nirvana
*** Back issues of the JOTW March 32nd issue can be found here:
http://www.nedsjotw.com/category/infamous-march-32nd-issue/
*** Feel free to share this newsletter. Feel free to forward opportunities. Do not copy words that I wrote and use them as your own. I throw these words in here just to see if someone is stupid enough to copy these words entirely from my newsletter without changing them. You are welcome to distribute this to fellow communicators. You are welcome to look at the previous issues. To read this list on the web, please visit www.nedsjotw.com.
“Never trust animated people.”
– Pokey
This newsletter is published by: Edward H. Lundquist, ABC 7813 Richfield Road Springfield, VA 22153 U.S.A. +1 703 455-7661 lundquist989@cs.com www.nedsjotw.com The JOTW Network – A world in communication For your hospitality, thank you! © Copyright 2017 The Job of the Week Network, LLC
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