JOTW 07-2006
March 32, 2006
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“If lye-based toilet bowl disinfectant products are so poisonous, why do they make them taste so good?”
– Anonymous
Welcome to the totally free Job of the Week e-mail networking newsletter for professional communicators. JOTW is a cooperative service that relies on the contributions of its members, like you. What does that mean, exactly. It means that if you just read it, and never send in a contribution, then you are the worst kind of bloodsucking leach. We share job opportunities; news and information about the job market, as well as swapping stories about life's peculiarities, and make fun of people’s weird problems.
First of all, it doesn't cost you a cent. That’s not because Ned cares about you. It’s just because he hasn’t figured out a way yet to garnish your pay or attach your tax return.
How does it work? If you find out about a job opportunity in communications, send it to me (lundquist989@cs.com), and I'll share it with the JOTW network. It's that simple. And we share dozens of opportunities each week. Did I mention it was free? Your friends can sign up by sending a blank e-mail to JOTW-subscribe@topica.com. It's free for them, too.
I never give out, rent, or sell my list, and neither does Topica.
In this thrilling issue:
*** One Paragraph Pitch
*** Pimp My Job
*** KISSS
*** Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification
*** Marketing Specialist – Fruits and Vegetables, Central Intelligence Agency, <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags” />Langley, Va.
*** Community Relations Manager, Foundation to Put Ribbons on the Backs of Cars to Show Support for People who Put Ribbons on the backs of Their Cars, Herndon, VA
*** Public Affairs Specialist, Special Prosecutors Office, Something that happened a long time ago, Washington, DC
*** Crisis Communications, Save The Leprechauns, South Boston, Alabama
*** Ratings Inflater, Al Franken Show, Air America, Leftwing radio, Los Flobotomos, CA
*** Publicist, Dick Wolf Productions, Hollywood, Calif.
*** Community Outreach Advocate, Claymation Characters of America, Burbank, CA
*** Photo Editor, National Hike Naked Day Foundation, Harpers Ferry, West Virginia
*** Director of Corporate Communications, ComQuest Customer Care Center,
White Hall, WV
*** Supervisory Public Affairs Specialist, Ambassadog Program, United States
Department of State, Doggy Bottom, Washington, D.C.
*** Strategic Communicator, Task Force Task Force, U.S. Navy, Washington, DC
*** Communications Specialist (on site), International Reconstruction Effort to Rebuild This Country To Make It More Like Our Country, Jerkoffistan
*** Marcom Expert, Association for the Protection of SUVs with Mobile Phones, Rosslyn, VA
*** Sponsorship Director, Hobo Olympics, Grants, New Mexico
*** Director of Outreach, National Society of gropers and inappropriate grabbers, Houston, Texas
*** SPECIAL EVENTS COORDINATOR, GLAMMOGRAMS, New York, NY
*** NON-RUSSIAN FIGURE SKATERS, U.S. Skating Federation, Lake Flacid, N.Y.
*** HOMESTEADERS, Upper Peninsula of Michigan Chamber of Commerce, Ft. Michelmakinac, Michigan
*** TARGET OF SCORN, Harpo Productions, Chicago, IL
*** Faculty Yearbook Advisor, Hippiechick High School, Hippiechik, Mich.
*** Employee Communications, Air Vegan, Bethlehem, PA
*** Web Editor/Content manager, Snow Mobile Alcoholics Stuck in Hospitals (SMASH), Rheinlander, Wisconsin
*** Member Relations, Cat Hoarders Society, Goochland, Virginia
*** Director of Development and Governmental Affairs, National Associations of
Lobbyists Dedicated to Taking Huge Fees from Indian Tribes to permit
Large-Scale Bribing of Public Officials, Washington, DC
*** Communications Director, National Association of Anonymous Sources, Rosslyn, VA
*** Membership Coordinator, Women who have been videotaped having Sex with Scott Step or Kid Rock, Brentwood, CA
*** FRATERNITY INSTRUCTOR, Kent State University, Kent, Ohio
*** Hollaback Girl, Symmetric Communications, Appoxuponus, Virginia
*** PUBLICIST/WATER CUP HOLDER, Mariah Carey Inc., New York, New York
*** Communications Director, Feral Feline Foundation, Fulton, New York
*** Senior Communications Manager, International Headwaiters Group, St. Paul, Minnesota
*** Communications Director, Institute to get some positive awareness for the “Real” Chad, Republique du Tchad, N'Djamena, Chad
*** Communications Director, Fostering Intelligence Superiority Through Torture (FISTT), Langley, VA
*** Vice President, Public Relations, Wal-mart Stores, Bentonville, Arkansas
*** Public Affairs officer, Conspiracy Protection Agency, Washington, D.C.
*** Outreach and Advocacy Support Associate, United Nations Initiative to Teach People in Third World Countries to Wash Their Hands, Geneva, Switzerland
*** Scriptwriter/Vowel Specialist, adult entertainment industry, Canoga Park, CA
*** Membership Communications, National Association of Lousy Tippers, Aurora, IL
*** Research assistant, National Association to Support Married Men Who Have Removed Their Wedding Rings and Who Want to Pick Up Attractive Younger Women and Invite Them Out For A Drink After Work and Hope it Leads to Something Else, Alexandria, VA
*** Director of Communications, National Association of Small Women Owned Businesses, McLean, VA
*** CREATIVE DIRECTOR, B.L.A.M.E., Offices worldwide
*** Web Content Editor, HoboNet Intranet, League of Sojuners on Trains (LOST),
Council Bluffs, Nebraska
*** Photo Editor, “Fluff” Magazine, Publications Division, International Belly Button Lint Foundation, Innieoroutie, Belgium
*** Senior Strategic Communications Research Consultant, Program Outreach and Advocacy Directorate, National Take-A-Nap Society, Sleepy Hollow, NY
*** COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, FEDERAL NICKNAME REGISTRY, Suitland, Md.
*** Director of Marketing Communications, The Power of the Mullet, Blytheville, Arkansas
*** National Academy for the Advancement of Malapropisms, Alexandria, Virginia
*** Editorial Assistant, Flatulence Magazine, Flatulent Earth Society, Cleveland, Ohio
*** Communications Manager, DP World, This is a contract opportunity to manage TSA and DHS Public affairs),Washington, DC
*** Strategic Communications Expert, Nutrition Department, Junk Food Producers Council, Bronx, NY
*** Editorial Director, International Academy for Disingenuity, Copenhagen, Denmark
*** Web Content manager, "The Power of the Mullet" website, National Mullet Club, Bristol/Kingsport/Johnson City, Tennessee
*** Managing Editor, Altercation magazine, Bronx, NY
…and more than you expected! For damn little, nothing actually.
*** One Paragraph Pitch:
I am Idi Grassingbe Sidi Abacha Issayas Barre Biya Bokassa Mobutu Doe. You are probably saying “I do not know this fellow.” Ah, but you do. I shall tell you why, and then I shall ask you in such great and terrible confidence the reason I am so desperate for the assistance of a kind and intelligent person like yourself in arranging for the transfer of some secreted funds into your bank account while we look the other way here in Africa, and the typical payment is made to you for such kind consideration, such being the positive and unanticipated consequences of “nedworking” with such elitist communication professionals.
I am the nephew of Sani Abacha, who seized power in Nigeria in 1993, and annulled the presidential elections, and kept all the money raised for bumper stickers and victory parties. He seized (US) $3 billion, which is still unaccounted for, except, you see, as nephew, I know where it is.
I am also the godson of Issayas Afwerki, who seized leadership in Eritrea because; well, because there was leadership to be seized. This is what must be done in the absence of a strong dictator. He held many student leaders captive, and took all of their MP3 downloads. He had many traditional handicrafts made at gunpoint in forced labor “happy village” concentration camps.
Idi Amin was president of Uganda from 1971 until 1979, and during that time he kept many mistresses. It was against the law to remove the tag from a mistress, or was that a mattress, I confuse them, but many people have been killed for less. My mother was, of course, his favorite, mistress that is, or maybe she was his favorite mattress. Unlike other women who Amin frequented, he actually set some pilfered ill-gotten gains aside for her should anything ever happen to him, like not be the head dictator anymore. Since he killed more than 30,000 people, at least, and that may be a conservative figure, you can imagine that at least some of them had some cash that he could steal and put away for a rainy day, which, as you may not know, is rare in sub-Saharan Africa. Fortunately, before he sold my mother, he told her where he hid a huge sum of cash, under a termite mound, in the bush, so chosen because the temperature inside the mound remains a constant 37 degrees Fahrenheit all year round. They should do a Discovery Cannel show about it. He killed a lot of Kenyans, too, but I don't know what he did with their money.
Said Mohammed Barre was my maternal great grand cousin-in-law, and proud ruler of Somalia from 1969 to 1991. It is said he killed between 60,000 and 80,000 people between 1988 and 1990. You are probably thinking, ‘what is there that could have been stolen by the poor people of Somalia that could be embezzled out in such a way as to benefit me?’ But to be sure, there were some very fine cattle that just sort of disappeared one day. You now think, “how can you hide many fine head of cattle?” We have discussed this at great length. All we can say is that the bush is a very big place, and there are many places cattle could be which would be beyond the eyes of most men. Of this great mystery, the tribesmen suspected Barre, but there was little they could do. Those cattle never showed up, until very recently, and it is I who has knowledge of where these cattle can be found, which I tell you secretly, not to share yet, okay? And in spite of the drought, these cattle still are okay, and might fetch a very nice bride.
Paul Biya is my second-mother's step-brother. Biya was elected prime minister of Cameroon in 1975 and president in 1982, and now, by decree, all wealth in Cameroon belongs to him. He keeps it in a modest-sized warehouse down by the dry river. Unfortunately, most of it is in French francs. He spends a great deal of his time checking over his shoulder, counting his money, and confiding in no one, except me.
Jean-Bedel Bokassa, my uncle, was president of the Central African Republic from 1966 until 1979, then president for life, then emperor, which is the traditional career progression for African despots. That he was a man of means is well known, since he enriched himself by about $125 million. Hey, his imperial coronation ceremony was a $30 million affair, and that is even a lot by African standards. That he was a mean man is also well known, since he tortured and killed many people, and ate some of them. Even the French couldn't stand him, and they can eat almost anything with a cream sauce, and they had him overthrown, which is what they do. So, Uncle Jean-Bedel comes back with a vengeance after his brief sentence was up, and ended up getting arrested again. That he was a man is also well-known, especially to his seventeen wives and around fifty children. If that won't give you a heart attack, like he had in 1996, I don't know what will. Did he will his fortune to all those wives and children? No. Only I know where the money is.
My relative, Ernie K. Doe, who sang the doo-wop hit “Mother-in-Law,” is related to Liberian strongman Samuel K. Doe. If you were not in his tribe, you were nobody. Soon there was nobody in the other tribes. Political parties could not oppose him because he banned them. When he was overthrown by my cousin, Charles Taylor in 1990, Doe was forced to cut off his ears and eat them. I have some leftovers that I though you could auction on ebay and we could split the proceeds. I prefer to be paid by paypal. Recently Charles Taylor fell upon a bit of bad luck, was lost, but was found and can look forward to much happiness.
My great grand uncle, Grassingbe Eyadema started it all in Togo in 1963. He showed the way by seizing power in a military coup, then assuming the presidency in 1967. He banned all political parties and political activity, just to be on the safe side. They love him in Togo, and keep reelecting him and offering incredible sums of money for him to hide on their behalf, a sort of forced savings plan. You can imagine how much money he's been able to stash away with nobody except me knowing anything about it since all that time.
My sister's uncle, Muammar Gaddafi, has collected some coin ever since he toppled Libya’s monarchy in 1969. He keeps it in his tent. He has 'anti-western' attitudes and would have a cow if he knew I was sending much of his plunder to the west, so don't tell, okay. He has some hit squads that assassinate Libyan dissidents living overseas, but you should not have any problems if you keep all of this a big secret just between us.
Laurent Kabila, my great uncle twice removed, became president of the Democratic Republic of Congo when he led forces that overthrew Joseph Mobutu in 1997. Although he does not rank in the same league as Mobutu as a dictator, Kabila’s four-year rule coincided with the deaths of around 3.3 Million people in the DRC. When he came to power Kabila promised institute political reforms and ‘intra-Congolese dialogue,’ but he actually ended up removing ministers from his initial cabinet who were from different tribes than his own, and placed other political opponents into internal exile. Kabila was shot by one of his own bodyguards in 2001. Fidel castro was so moved by Kabila’s death he ordered the flags flown at half-mast in Cuba. Despite early promises to the contrary, Kabila never faced his people in any kind of popular election during his four-year rule. The government has fixed the salary of soldiers to $100 per month, but the money is paid to Kabila, and the soldiers received only $15 per month. What has he done with the difference, you ask? Well, I know where they money is stashed, and my partner and I (that means you), with make a tidy sum when this cash is moved out of the country to some place with churches that have Bingo.
Haile Mariam Mengistu, the brother-in-law of my step-sister's uncle, “assumed” the presidency of Ethiopia following a military coup in 1974. The Russians gave him help, and that really pissed off the Jamaicans who still worship the “Lion of Zion.” But Megitsu, who is the cousin of my step-brother, got lots of Haile Selassie's stuff, which is very much in demand by Rastafarians in Kingston's gange-laden giftshops. Even though Mengistu had about1.5 Million of his own people executed, he stole all international food aid sent Ethiopia for the famine during the mid 1980’s. Since the people were killed, they had a lot of food leftover. He still has a lot of that food, and I need help to smuggle some of it back out so we can sell it. There is USDA surplus cheese and peanut butter. I also have some big sacks of powdered milk, donated by the United States of America. Such generosity, except that we are lactose intolerant.
Mobutu Sese Seko was my cousin's brother-in-law's uncle's stepfather, as well as President of the former Belgian Congo from 1965 until 1997. He was a very self-effacing man, for whom titles meant little, so he just named himself head of state, head of government, commander in chief of the armed forces, and head of the only political party allowed. He also gave his country was a new title – Zaire, in 1971. His regime was given the title of 'kleptocracy.' In return, Mobutu felt entitled to take all there was to take – estimated to be around $4 billion. His wine collection alone was worth $2.3 million. The country has gold, copper, cobalt, rubber and ivory, while the people of the Congo are just about the poorest in the world. Most of them don’t even know what cobalt is, or how to use a rubber. Those nice people from the Rwandan army ran him out in 1997, and Mobutu died in exile in Togo the following year. I am among the few people who know where his wine cellar is. I know because Mobutu told King Mswati III of Swaziland, Africa’s last remaining absolute monarch, who said that “women who wear pants are the reason why ‘the world is in such a state today’.” King Mswati told me this, for he is a friend I met on the Internet, and I have never looked at a pair of pants the same way since.
So far I have seen wildly successful hooking up with people online. Mostly women. But now I have this huge fortune that I must sneak out of this continent and I of course need your help. I decided to contact people I have never met and offer complete and total trust that such a person, which I can assume and rely upon as being worthy of my total trust, can stand as the next of my kin and have his (by him, I refer to the wealthy autocratic relatives of mine of which I have already provided some small level of detail) remaining fortune transferred to him/her (by him or her I mean you). You only need to make the appearance that you are my next of kin. After all of which we can then discuss on the fair and equitable sharing ratio in favour of the both of us.
Before the death of the many people referred to in this notification, and up until date I was the account officer as it were for all these various and in sundry piles of cash, hordes of gold, herds of fine Somali cattle, rare baseball card collections, masterpiece paintings, exquisite fine jewels and other items of precious nature and of inestimable wealth, here in Nigeria, where I also have at times owned chains of property and a few investment firms.
My purpose of contacting you, as you can plainly see, is to assist in repatriating the funds and varied wealth, left behind by my relatives prior to their mostly untimely situations of death before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by some government officials or bank representatives where these huge deposit were lodged in, where the numerous deceased had such accounts.
Now that I have confided in you and, I hope, gained your trust, I ask you to do me a small favor. Since I have been unsuccessful in getting this money and wealth out of Nigeria for over one year, now I seek your consent as the next of kin of the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at US$190.4 billion can be paid to you. I just ask for a little spending cash as my part of this transaction, and some of the cattle, for that is all I need now that I have again become accustomed to a simple life. My how I yearn for that cattle. All documents to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out. This proposal is 100% risk-free and also a legal one. We have agreed that the fund be shared thus, after it must have been transferred into your account. Oh how I love it when a plan comes together as such.
Please if you are very much ready to proceed with me then contact me through my confidential email address (whatifitismethatistoxic_34@hotmail.com).
Best regards,
Idi et al
(Ned’s comment. This might be a hoax. See Why:
http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/permalink/nigerian_bank_scam_sendup/
http://www.ebolamonkeyman.com/
http://www.ebolamonkeyman.com/Ablert_Fred1.html)
*** Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification:
Pontoof,
If I ignore somebody, will they go away?
Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
I hope so.
Pontoof
*** Scary:
Hi Ned,
This is a little scary, but I think it's information we should all know about and share, if we can.
http://www12.familywatchdog.us/
If you enter your address, the site will bring up a map of the area. It will show a "house" - that's yours. All the little colored boxes are sex offenders. If you click on the box, you'll get a name & picture of the person along with the crime. If you click on the boxes, you know, which are the houses where they live, it tells you what they did, and then, click some more, it tells you what they are doing right now. You get a little screen and you can watch them with a web-cam type thing. Then, that little lightening bolt in the corner, you click on that, and it administers an electric shock to the offender, but it says they are only supposed to get that if they are doing something offensive at that moment. I tried that on a couple of guys. One who was eating something, like a big bowl of cereal, and when I zapped him he spit out what he was eating.
Pretty amazing who your neighbors are. You must share this with everyone you know.
Zuppa
*** Breaking JOTW News — Bring your own:
Northwest Airlines has a new approach to saving money. The carrier, currently in bankruptcy, has negotiated a clause in its contracts with the airline’s pilots and those who fly for its feeder lines – known as a scope clause. Currently, any aircraft over 70 seats must be flown by union members of the mainline carrier. NWA’s new program will equip its DC-9 aircraft, currently with 100 to 125 seats, with just 6 seats in first class. All other passengers must bring their own FAA-approved lawn chair. “We’ll save a ton of money,” says airline spokesman Alain Globensky. “Since it’s technically a six-seater, we don’t even have to have a co-pilot, so we save a bundle right there. And we hardly have to pay anything to the pilot!.”
*** Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification:
Dear Pontoof,
I’ve been wearing some pretty sexy tops to work because, well, I have the figure for it. The problem is, there’s this guy who I swear keeps staring right down my blouse. It’s really obvious. The other day a paper clip that was holding together some receipts together fell down into my bra. He spilled some coffee down there yesterday, then he very willingly offered to clean it up. He almost fell into my cleavage twice. Is this normal?
Go Figure
Dear Go For It,
Why do you think they call it a plunging neckline?
Pontoof
*** No joke:
Hey, Ned. I love JOTW. Are you guys gonna put out one of those funny issues this year?
Greg
(No.)
*** Pimp My Job:
Dear PMJ Dream Team,
I have a terrible work related story that I must share, and ask for your emboldened response, one that will vindicate me, and shall be instrumental in restoring my employment situation, which was quite a nice job, that of having to rule over my homeland. I have more than just an on-the-job horror story. I was a great and powerful man, who was illegally removed from my office, and then had to hide out in a box.
I was the ruler of a country, a beautiful place, of classic proportions, a land of milk and honey, of supplicant maidens and bold, strong men, like my gracious and gentlemanly sons, who did not take any guff from their neighbors, or their women, or Kurds.
Today I am reduced to a man in shackles, who must spit at his captors for wont of a more appropriate response. If I were still in charge, anyone who spit at me would have been pulled from his home in broad daylight, never to return, and subjected to a series of torture, before we would grow tired and kill him. So it was for spitters, but also blasphemers, and people who looked at me funny. These were simple people I tortured and killed. For me, I yearned for simple pleasures, but was forced to be a complex, brooding and calculating leader in order to maintain my ruthlessness. You wouldn't understand, because you are simple.
I was placed in prison by simple criminals who are a little peeved because one time, a long time ago, I wiped out a whole lot of people in their village, not just because they looked at me funny, but that too. Sheesh. We gave them a fair and speedy “trial.” And now they want me to say I was wrong. They are all pawns of the invaders.
So, PMJ Dream Team, how can I get them to leave, and give me my palaces and cars and dapper uniforms back, and restore me to full power, with back pay?
S. H.
Dear S.H.,
Fortunately, in this day and age, being a despot brought to justice is not the “deal-killer” it used to be. Yes, you’ll need to put it on your resume; and yes, you’ll need to explain some of your strategic decisions frankly. But turn the negatives into positives–show what you learned from the setbacks; explain how you’ve grown. For example, you killed a lot of people, but you also inspired a great deal of fierce loyalty.
And if that doesn’t work, you can always blame the media. It works here in the U.S.!
Tundra Og
*** Breaking JOTW News:
Washington Redskin owner Daniel Snyder today announced that he is changing the name of FedEx Field to “Bunch of Migrant Workers Standing Around at the Local 7-Eleven Stadium.” The new sponsorship agreement came as Snyder said he would change the name after he collected one dollar from each migrant worker in the Washington area. “Even when I have to pay a penalty to FedEx for reneging on the long-term naming rights deal I had with them I come out way ahead on the revenue stream,” Snyder says.
*** Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification:
Dear Pontoof,
I've been having an illicit and torrid relationship with this married guy. We know each other on a personal level (really personal), but he has no idea what I do or how well I perform at work. I recently asked him to write me a professional endorsement for a job I was applying to. It was a glowing letter. Thanks to him, I got a great new position and a hefty salary increase. Not long after he did that, I got tired of him (I was seeing someone at my new job) and pushed him away. More like just started ignoring him. He was dismayed, then sort of I guess you would say angry. Now he wants to follow-up his recommendation letter to my new employer to say that the letter was a sham that he made up because he sort of liked me and I put him up to it. Pontoof, should I respond to this threat by telling his wife?
It’s all about me
Dear I.A.A.M.
This could be fun. Do you have any dirt on his wife, too?
Best,
Pontoof
*** Kommunicators In Search of a Special Someone (KISSS):
Do you know what I want? I'll tell you. Bright, attractive, athletic,
adventuresome and witty 39-year old female communication professional
seeks like-minded caring, handsome, companion who will put my needs
ahead of his personal wants and professional requirements.
I am earthy (as in dirty), smarter than you, hilariously funny (you will tell me this often), stubborn (but you’ll get used to it), and financially independent (as long as they don’t call in all of my loans at the same time) — although I expect you to pick up the tab.
If your idea of a pretty darn cool thing is waiting and waiting for help desk support, because you like the music, and hearing that computer-chick’s voice tell you the best way to fix the problem of not having internet access can be found by accessing their great on-line support tools, then maybe it’s time you listened to my voice.
I'm looking for a man who can spell, knows how to diagram a sentence,
and can make a dry martini without too much vermouth. I want good
looks (this is very important), large hands (but not all rough), a well-proportioned head and a normal voice (no pip squeaks), but without any shallowness. I want a man with all of his hair and teeth who can raise the hairs on the back of my neck when he whispers poetry in my ears and can create a strategic marketing plan with a significant research component in an afternoon.
My Mr. Thoughtful will turn off his PDA when we're having a quickie at the hotel next to his office, and remembers to send candy to my assistant after we hook up so she'll keep her mouth shut about our affair. I want a man who likes walking in the gentle surf on a quiet, secluded beach, hand in hand, and can help me do the math for a quick cost analysis to submit a cost proposal for a hefty job that just popped up on the RFP radar and for which bids close in two hours.
My idea of a pretty great date would be starting the day with you
bringing me breakfast in bed, then reading to me from a book of erotic
poetry. Then we take a helicopter that you have chartered to an
out-of-the-way ski resort and take a few runs on the fresh powder, then
a skinny dip in the natural thermal springs there. After we dry each
other off, we return to the lower elevations for a romantic walk in
the woods, then cocktails on the warm beach to watch the sunset. You
tell me how beautiful I am, and how soft my hair feels and how good I
smell, and how great that article was that I wrote for the CEO's byline
in the annual report, and then we have a specially prepared dinner that
you arranged with your favorite chef, followed by a table-for-two up
front at a jazz club with a bottle of Veuve Clicquot champagne.
What turns me off? Oh, the usual…you know, body piercings, tattoos, long hair, power trips and sarcasm…NOT!
I hate a man who will be manipulative and play mind games, so don't be one of them. What I find seductive in a man are telling me I have sparkling originality, humor, intelligence, and never being judgmental about me. I value a man who learns from his mistakes and never makes them again with me, while telling me I’m okay and that anything I ever do wrong is no big deal, so lets move on.
If this flips your switch, then I have the voltage. Turn me on.
*** Hey!
I signed up for your website. I sent a very detailed blank e-mail, and I have not received my listings. What gives???
Dorfman
(Check your skivvies.)
*** Dearest JOTW:
Hello,
I would like to know what the first step would be when posting my job vacancies. Which website, and do we need a login ID?
Thank you
Swati
(Your login ID is “Clueless” and your password is “Tosser.”)
*** Hey, where’s my job:
I sent you a job earlier today to post on your website. It’s been several hours, and I still can’t find it anywhere on the web. Can you get off the stick and post this thing to your website NOW!?!
Marcella
*** Breaking News:
Report blames Navy sonars for Spring Break excess
A report by Greenpeace claims that U.S. Navy surface combatant active sonar energy leads to excessive drinking, public nudity and promiscuous sex among young people.
Lt. Art D'Vark, a Navy spokesman, admitted that Navy ships were underway at various times and in various locations in the Atlantic ocean during the months of February and March. “These ships have active sonar that are sometimes used to find submarines or mines, and they are at some times radiating acoustic energy into the volume of water,” D'Vark said.
College students from all over the United States are drawn to Florida and Gulf Coast beaches during “Spring Break.” The proximity to the ocean makes these young people extremely vulnerable, says Greenpeace researcher Nicodimas Wozniak. “You have these kids coming to the beaches for rest and relaxation, and the Navy is recklessly emitting sound energy that drives them mad.”
Several students are suing the Navy, with legal assistance from Greenpeace. Stella Moth from Lake Forest, Illinois, a student at the University of Northern Iowa, woke up disoriented one morning at a Panama Beach, Florida condo. She had a navel piercing and a tattoo of a mermaid on her lower back for which she has no recollection. “Greenpeace says it was the navy's fault, so I'm joining in the class action suit.”
Many young people who were seen swimming in the water last Wednesday afternoon were found stranded on the beach, passed out the next morning.
Wozniak said he was conducting research in Panama City and ended up at a crowded nightspot called the Sand Box. “Next thing I know I have two cocktails in front of me, blue, with umbrellas in them. This is very uncommon for me. Then some college girls asked me to dance with them. Clearly the navy is behind this, and everything else that happened that night.”
The young seem to be most vulnerable, Wozniak says. Very few cases of alcohol poisoning or drunk and disorderly conduct are reported by hospitals or police involving anyone over the age of 23 in coastal areas during the same time.
Heather Mason, a sophomore at Kent State University and a native of Zanesville, Ohio, says she saw herself performing sex acts with multiple partners on a pay-per-view cable channel the morning after she went out for dinner and a few cocktails with her girlfriends. The she remembers nothing after blacking out at a disco called Sting Ray Larry's. “The navy is behind this,” Mason proclaimed. “They must be testing a secret weapon that they plan to use of North Korea. Who were those guys, anyway? They weren't even cute.”
*** Dear Pontoof,
I have a friend with whom I had a very deep and personal connection. We chatted by e-mail, sometimes 50 and more e-mails a day. There was a time we talked on the phone every day for weeks. She even called and wished me a happy birthday. Then, it just stopped. What do you make of it?
Getting Concerned
Dear G.C.
Beats me.
Pontoof
*** “If you are not getting as much from life as you want to, then reexamine your standards.”
– Norman Vincent Peale
*** Dear Pontoof,
I was watching the NCAA tournament. I stripped down to my unmentionables, lit a few votive candles, and drank a six-pack before half-time, praying for George Mason to beat Michigan State, promising God that I would make monkey love to the receptionist at work if Mason won. When I woke up, they had beaten State.
So, I tried it again. I got a bottle of Goldschlagger, and a six-pack of National BO, and promised God I would floss and have good posture if GMU would beat North Carolina. I peeled off my sweats, lit the candles, chugged the beers, and was well into my goldshots when I lost consciousness. When I came to, the Patriots had knocked of the Tar Heels.
Have I started a new religion?
Enlightened One
Dear Captain E.O.,
Yes, I see the beginnings of a new religion. Just ask Tom Cruise.
I suggest that you call yourself “The Masons.” You can create your own secret handshake, develop degrees of enlightenment (33, perhaps?), and drive little cars in parades while wearing a fez. To give your new religion an aura of ancientness, you can call your buildings “temples” instead of “churches” (I like the sound of a “Masonic temple,” n'est c'est pas?) You can also finance your religion by creating sturdy luggage, which you can call “Masonite,” establishing your religion as a strong brand.
As for the receptionist, tread carefully. One strips to unmentionables
at one's own speed, and remember: monkey love is more a goal than a
task.
Good luck, enlightened one…
Best, Pontoof
Dear Pontoof,
Me again. The Wichita State game was another revelation. I got naked, lit the candles, and reverently drank the mystical six-pack. This time I did shots of Cuervo Gold between each beer. I said my prayer. I was so excited that I could hardly pass out. So I drank more beer. I'm not sure when during the game I blanked out, but when I came to Mason had one and I had peed on the floor.
When Mason played Connecticut, I knew this was a big test. I got extra candles. I arranged them in a circle, one for each team in the Colonial Athletic Association. I drew symbols on my naked body with a Sharpie. I don't know what the symbols mean, but I had divine inspiration to draw them, I’m pretty sure. I had my cooler in front of me with the ritual beers, and a bottle of Royal Command Canadian Whiskey. I knew this was a solemn occasion, so I covered myself all over with whipped cream from a can of ready whip, and prayed that George Mason would at least show up against UConn, but actually I asked God to let Mason win. I figured that God might let them since UConn wasn't one of those catholic schools. I lit the candles, shotgunned the beers punctuated by shots of RC. This is the weird part. When the game was over, and I woke up for the highlights and saw that GMU had accomplished the miraculous, the whipped cream was gone. My dog, Cousey, a Bill Russell Terrier, was sitting next to me, and he says he saw nothing.
This really is a new religion, isn’t it? And when does the receptionist pay off?
The Next Moses
Dear Mo,
Yes, you have stumbled on to something (and thanks for all that
imagery–took a few minutes to recover from that). I suggest you call
yourselves the “Bandwagoneers,” seeing that so many of you have suddenly popped up over the past two weeks.
Why, just today I was talking to a young man who was extolling the
virtues of George Mason University, and calling its basketball team the
greatest sports story in the past 20 years. When I casually reminded him that even as recently as a week ago he was wearing a Duke t-shirt and talking about Coach Mike Krszhyeonfowietjlasbdatljbetuowbeouwbaski as if he were the Second Coming, he just shrugged and muttered something about getting “PWN3D.”
So, yes, by all means, establish the Church of George Mason. Steal the
“Underdog” cartoon from the estate of Wally Cox and sell replicas for
$15 each. Add that $2 of each sale will go to the victims of Katrina
(don't mention that you are the victim, and your date with Katrina
Ecclestone was six years ago).
As for the receptionist, she probably won't be impressed until she sees
you have lots of money, so push those Underdog replicas fast.
Pontoof
Dear Pontoof,
Hey, it’s me once more. So, thanks to my new religion, George Mason University’s men’s basketball team is in the Final Four!
This time I have decided to have some GMU hot dogs, I will grill some ball park franks and cover them with yellow mustard and green relish. Get it? Green and Gold? And many beers. And bottles of cheap cold duck. I have lots of candles, and a green and a gold sharpie.
I've always admired people who went to the University of Maryland, a school with a winning tradition. After they win a big game, the students gather together to take part in a spirited, communal ritual that involves burning cars, mattresses, and stores. So, I prayed to God that if Mason won, I would do the same. Problem is that while Mason has more students than the University of Virginia, it is mostly a commuter school. There is no one place we all gather. Certainly no one place we would instinctively gather with the necessary ingredients for a really good pep rally (those ingredients being accelerant and an ignition source).
If GMU wins the big one, should I just go out and burn a few vehicles in my neighborhood?
The next true prophet
Dear Prophet,
I think your dog is the true God, not you.
No vehicle burning. That is SO French…instead, I would recommend that
you celebrate by investing in the exciting world of penny stocks.
Pontoof
*** Pimp My Job:
Dear PMJ Dream Team,
I 'm thinking of becoming a tyrant. I'm so tired of kissing up to HR, and EEO, and doing everything the PC way. Give me a BREAK! No more Mr. Nice Guy for me. What do you recommend?
NMMNG
Dear Tyrant
The Dream Team suggests becoming an Evil Overlord . There are the obvious benefits of pay, perks, and planning your program as you please. Newcomers to this career field seem to make the same novice mistakes. We suggest you study up on the following:
The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
http://omega.med.yale.edu/%7epcy5/misc/overlord1.htm
*** Question of the day:
What are the odds that Wayne Gretsky had no idea his wife had been betting on hockey games?
– Rossaire Paiment
(The SportsBook in Vegas is laying down 1-1.)
*** Pontoof’s Podium of Pontification:
Dear Pontoof,
My mother just passed away, and I need to get home for the funeral. There’s just no easy way to do it. First of all, my mother gave very little notice, so all the advance purchase fares are gone. None of the seats set aside for frequent flier miles are left either. The so called “bereavement fares” are a joke. They cost almost as much as full fare.
I don’t want to fly through Chicago because O’Hare is so big and there are always delays. In the summer it’s thunderstorms, in the winter its snow. And the bars there have bitchy waitresses who don’t want you to sit and watch the game without ordering something.
I hate going through New York because of all those jerks with Yankees hats and A-Rod and Jeter shirts, I mean, my God!
I don’t like going through Minneapolis because you invariably run into some group of kids dressed up like Sailor Moon tugging these little “Hello Kitty” wheeled suitcases on the moving walkway and slowing everything down.
Detroit is awful, because you have to race between gates and they are so far apart. When you finally get there you get stuck in the lounge with some geek whose cell phone makes those geeky communicators noises and then you hear Uhura say “Captain, We’re being hailed.”
At Dallas, you get all caught up with some thugs listening to hip hop on their iPods so loud we can all hear the offensive lyrics. Phoenix doesn’t have an Auntie Annie’s Pretzel place, and Denver has a walk two miles long just to get anywhere near the first gate, and I’m always stuck down at the last one. I’d go through Milwaukee but I knew a guy in college who was from Wisconsin, or Michigan, or something like that, who cut his hand all up with a power saw. Those people are nuts.
The train isn’t an option, because the railroads go right through the worst parts of town and you see the junkiest houses from the back side. How depressing. And the bus stinks. Literally. You smell like tidybowl by the time you get off the bus.
So, like, what should I do?
Optioned Out
Dear Optioned Out,
Is it too late to get on the VIP list at the club this weekend?
Dear Pontoof,
I finally have this date with a really great guy in my office. He’s smart, very attractive, fun, and just got made a partner. I’m worried because I’m sure I’ll ruin the evening somehow. I’ll knock over the wine, or spill salad dressing or marinara sauce on my blouse, or make a mess trying to break my bread apart. I’m such a klutz. And I can be sure I’ll have spinach stuck on my teeth. Do you think I should make up an excuse not to go?
B. Wilderd
Dear Wilderd…
Is it too late to get spayed?
*** KISSS
Seeking man of dreams.
Respond only in haiku.
Non-snorers only.
I am thirty-three.
Okay, maybe thirty-four.
But love fears no age.
You are creative,
But not sanctimonious.
Snobs need not apply.
I don't watch TV.
Okay, maybe PBS.
But only at night.
And “Law and Order.”
And I like “Ghost Whisperer.”
Oh, and “24.”
Sometimes, feeling sly,
I will turn on MTV
for “Jackass” reruns.
And for a real thrill,
I watch “Sex in the City”
But not TBS.
Oh, but I digress.
I now await your reply.
Write quickly, my love.
syllabulsarranged@hotmail.com
*** Pimp My Job:
Dear Dream Team,
I'm in the creative marketing company of a leading beverage industry company. We've coming out with a new sports drink. I said we should call it “Spew,” you know, like “bursting forth,” or cascading, or abounding. Somebody said that “spew” had negative connotations. Like what? I thought there was no such thing as a bad idea, especially when we are supposed to be brainstorming. It was like they poured ice water on me.
Tosser
Dear Tosser,
Rejoice in your creativity. You are ahead of your time. Words change in meaning over the years. For example, back at the turn of the 20th Century “gay” meant happy. In the 1970s, you could lose weight as part of the “AYDS Reducing Plan.” In England, you can still smoke a “fag” (cigarette).
Hold your ground. In 300 years, “Spew” will likely mean something wonderful, like “a fountainous geyser of delight.” You will be recognized as the visionary that you are, and the thousands of employees whose salaries were generated by your creativity will hang your picture in their living room.
Dream Team
To the PMJ Experts,
I went into the store to buy some stuff during my lunch hour yesterday, some Coleman fuel for camping, some Muriatic Acid and acetone for cleaning my driveway and my paint brushes, a couple of cases of kitchen matches for camping and a barrel of iodine crystals for water purification when I'm backpacking and several big cases of Psuedoephedrine for my allergies that flare up this time of year. They called the cops. Said I was setting up a meth lab. What's up with that?
Edgy
Dear Edgy,
Tell them it was all a methunderstanding.
The DTs
Dear PMJ Dream Team:
I dont' feel very pretty – red nose, baggy eyes, droopy all over.
Sad and sorry for myself
Dear SASFM,
You need a change in attitude. Recently I was packing for a trip to France and my wife said, “Stay away from the French women.” And I thought, “HA! What lithe French woman fantasizes about a whirlwind relationship with a middle-aged, 50-pound-overweight American with a comb-over?” But then I thought, “Well, maybe I’m selling myself a little short, n’est c’est pas?” So I went to France determined to be a stud, and you know what? It turns out that lithe French women really DON’T fantasize about a whirlwind relationship with a middle-aged, 50-pound-overweight American with a comb-over. But that’s not the point. Oh, sure, you have a red nose, baggy eyes and you’re droopy all over. Turn the negatives into positives—for example, with those attributes you could easily win the “hound” category at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. You could also be a stand-in for Fleagle if “The Banana Splits” ever tour again. Onward! Upward!
T.O.
*** Dear Pontoof:
I am deeply troubled. I am sitting here eating my salad and I have completely lost any and all appetite. Nothing tastes good to me. In fact, food has no taste at all. I feel so empty, like a big swimming pool without any water. I bristle at everything that touches me, as if I have become hypersensitive to touch, but I feel no emotion. I’m sure that everyone who looks at me is judging me, so I look at no one. Do I need help?
Downhearted and Drowning
Dear Double D,
Are you going to eat that salad?
Pontoof
*** Church Job Fair
Come to the Church of Serenity Job fair, 11 a.m. to 1 p.m., April 1, 2006, at 1701Chlamydia Court, Fairfax, Va. We'll pray that we all get jobs, that the people who fired us get sick, and that something happens to the people who have jobs we want and they have to quit so that a spot opens up and we can get hired. This is all very basic stuff. You'll be glad you came.
*** Marketing Specialist – Fruits and Vegetables, Central Intelligence Agency, Langley, Va.
Central Intelligence Agency looking to hire 25 fruits and vegetables marketing specialists to run international clandestine operations. Must pass exam on difference between apples and oranges, “tomayto” vs. “tomahto” and the eyes of the potatoe.
Visit www.cia.gov for details.
*** Community Relations Manager, Foundation to Put Ribbons on the Backs of Cars to Show Support for People who Put Ribbons on the backs of Their Cars, Herndon, VA
Charitable organization dedicated to supporting those who support those who support our efforts abroad and domestically. We are preparing a major launch of our campaign to put ribbons on the backs of cars to show our support for people who put ribbons on the back of their cars–hence our name. Our unique ribbons will stand out among the 4,339 other ribbon brand identities currently out there–but we need your support. Ideal candidate must have strong communication skills and a knack for motivating others. Ability to affix ribbons on moving vehicles a plus; colorblind individuals need not apply. Resume, cover letter and 1,300 word essay on “Why I love America” to: FPRBCSSPWPRBTC, P.O. box 1000, Herndon, Va 22008. No communists or other undesirables, please.
*** Public Affairs Specialist, Special Prosecutors Office, Something that happened a long time ago, Washington, DC
Respond in confidence to KenStarr@justice.gov
*** Crisis Communications, Save The Leprechauns, South Boston, Alabama
See for yourself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8.
Lepruchauns are not only misunderstood, they are subject to persecution.
The armed struggle begins. The stakes are high. jobs@lepruchaunrepublicanarmy.org
*** Ratings Inflater, Al Franken Show, Air America, Leftwing radio, Los Flobotomos, CA
I'm looking for a publicist to help change the perception that my Al Franken radio
show — which is truly one of the gems of the American radio dial today,
although most radios don't have dials now, mostly they're digital, with push
button settings, or you move a little thing up and down to get to the
station you want, which I hope of course is my network — doesn't get any
ratings. That is so untrue. I mean, you have to understand that the
ratings are such an inaccurate way to show just how good I am. I know that
in some of the big markets the stations that carry Air America don't show up
in the ratings book. Nobody with any intelligence listens to Limbaugh. So,
in markets where we are up against Rush, we can say that we have that
coveted demographic locked up solid, the intelligencia. In fact, in the
48-50 year-old Birkenstock-wearing, never-wears-cosmetics demo, we're rated
number one. Stations love to sell to that market, because they don't have to
waste their time trying to bribe media buyers for consumer items, cars,
health and beauty aids, or soft drinks. It really makes life a lot simpler
for those hard working radio sales reps.
I think some stations could really improve my numbers if they paid more
attention to the lead-in programming. I mean come on, already. Polish
music and Greek-language paid programming isn't going to give me a nice wave
to ride in on, now is it? I was the funniest guy on SNL. I’m really funny. I’m so funny I have to smile all the time, because I’m so damn funny, even I know it.
Send resume and cover letter describing how you will kiss Al Franken’s ass to bubbles@airamerica.net.
*** Publicist, Dick Wolf Productions, Hollywood, Calif.
DWP is looking for a young, aggressive personality with street smarts and media savvy to help promote several new DWP television series, including CSI Mankato/Eagle Lake/Good Thunder; Law & Order / Mealy Mouth Defendants; Law & Order School Crossing Guards; Law & Order Peevish Medical Examiners; and Law & Order / USDA Meat Inspectors; Law & Order / S&M “Binding Arbitration”; Law & Order / Transit Police; Law & Order / Truant Officers; Law & Order Meter Maids; and Law & Order / Cops in Crown Vics.
Send resume to dickjob@dwphollywood.com
*** Community Outreach Advocate, Claymation Characters of America, Burbank, CA
CCA is seeking a PR representative to further the community goals and aspirations of clay figures in the entertainment industries. Claymation figures only. Must provide your own Gumbometer. CCA invites figures of all colors and head shapes.
*** Photo Editor, National Hike Naked Day Foundation, Harpers Ferry, West Virginia
Send portfolio (just the bare necessities) to Flash@NHNDF.org.
*** Director of Corporate Communications, ComQuest Customer Care Center,
White Hall, WV
Help ComQuest establish a new call center to handle employee service questions for call center workers in the Philippines and India. With the explosion of “Business Process Outsourcing,” in India, the Philippines and elsewhere, a new market segment is growing that requires an intelligent and low-cost labor source for service support delivery. That’s why ComQuest has turned to West Virginia for cheap labor to provide call center operators to provide customer service response to BPO and captive center workers. As chief communicator for ComQuest, you can help deal with perceived opposition and backlash is coming mainly under developed countries that are directly affected by outsourcing the BPO function to developed nations. The anti-anti-outsourcing movement is gaining momentum. ComQuest personnel are now answering HR and employment questions on a per-call basis to workers of companies like EXL, Spectra mind, Daksh, WNS, VCustomer, Tracmail, HCL e-serve, Epicenter, ICICI One Source, GTL and Tata. Now Indian employees from Mumbai, Chennai, Pune and Bangalore with HR, benefits, training enrollment, health care issues and training verification questions can call ComQuest at our new campus at White Hall and reach a trained (and English-speaking) ComQuest service agent. Thanks to ComQuest’s employee training program, most of our call center agents can speak passable English. Join the team! Is there anything else I can help you with today? This call may be monitored for quality control and training purposes.
DIRCOM.Jobs.HR@mabuhay.wv.us.com
*** Supervisory Public Affairs Specialist, Ambassadog Program, United States
Department of State, Doggy Bottom, Washington, D.C.
GS-12/13 - 1035
Closes April 1, 2006
Direct program outreach and advocacy program for new program to substitute working dogs for selected members of the Foreign Service. "Diplomatic Doggies" will be utilized instead of embassy staffers in high-cost or high-risk environments. Canine Consulates will replace manned outposts in 37% of all consular offices. Dogs will be required to issue visas, lead trade delegations and deliver community outreach programs. Classified dispatches will be carried by "diplomatic pooch" to SECSTATE WASH DC. Dogs who poop in public areas protected by diplomatic immunity. While manpower will be reduced and diplomatic presence someone diminishes, intend for all canine consulates to maintain full social calendar.
Apply for this position by downloading 47-page .pdf file with resume submission procedures, then submit properly formatted resume and application with urine sample to ambassadog@kibblesandbits.secstate.usa.gov.
*** Communications Specialist (on site), International Reconstruction Effort to Rebuild This Country To Make It More Like Our Country, Jerkoffistan
*** Strategic Communicator, Task Force Task Force, U.S. Navy, Washington, DC
The navy has many task forces brought togther to help align and create dynamic synergies for various mission-oriented processes that reach across all levels and organizations in a flat-matrixed manner. Help us align the collaborative efforts of the various ad hoc tasks forces established to systematically formalize the creation and sustainment of ad hoc task forces design to provide a synergistic approach to overarching programmatic concepts and conceptual efforts. Must have ad hoc task force experience.
www.navy.jobs.mil
*** Marcom Expert, Association for the Protection of SUVs with Mobile Phones, Rosslyn, VA
New Organization Seeks Marcom Staff
New Association for the Protection of SUVs with Mobile Phones looking for skilled marketing and communication experts to combat growing abuse of SUV drivers using mobile telephones. Work from your very own SUV and mobile telephone to develop stalking points for drivers of small hybrid vehicles. Must have drivers license and a willingness to take on anti-SUV mobile telephone extremists. For more, visit www.stopsuvs.org.
*** Sponsorship Director, Hobo Olympics, Grants, New Mexico
Help obtain new sponsors to showcase the biggest sporting spectacle since Rafeal Palmerio lied to Congress. The Hobo Olympics brings the newest and most exciting sporting events to the TV screen, far surpassing the Xtreme games for audacity and fan satisfaction. New competitive events like train jumping, shoplifting, switching yard slalom, begging, the Olympic scavenger
hunt, and one-pot meal preparation, will thrill audiences across the country. Winners get much more than medals, they get pride, and a shower.
Join our gold-medal winning crew at the U.S. Hobo Olympic Training Center in the gandydancer shack in the far northern corner of the BNSF switching yard in Grants, N.M. Use the secret knock.
*** Director of Outreach, National Society of gropers and inappropriate grabbers, Houston, Texas
www.stabbinandgrabbin.org/reachoutandtouch/job
*** SPECIAL EVENTS COORDINATOR, GLAMMOGRAMS, New York, NY
Join the excitement! Glammograms (“Bringing Fashion to Mash-Em”) is the all-new haute couture mammogram company that's everyone's talking about. We recently announced a partnership with Yum Enterprises to co-locate our retail outlets in 36 Dunkin-Donut franchises in the New York and New England area. Help us unveil our 36 DD Glammogram sites as we engage in a “full court press” blitz this summer. Our next challenge will be to open Glammogram outlets at Blimpie sandwich shops at truckstops across America. Previous experience not required. Send resume and work samples to jobs@glammograms.com.
*** NON-RUSSIAN FIGURE SKATERS, U.S. Skating Federation, Lake Flacid, N.Y.
Prestigious skating federation seeks men, women and pairs to put on totally forgettable performances while the rest of the world oohs and ahhs over the latest Russian skaters. You could walk on water, fly like an eagle and twist like an F5 tornado; it does not matter. The Russians are going to get the gold, but there's nothing wrong with silver, n'est-ce pas? Some skating ability required; must be able to withstand withering criticism from Dick Button and coaches who believe that they are bigger than the sport, even though they were only mediocre skaters at best themselves. Shiny teeth only, please; U.S. citizenship not necessary, we'll take care of it. Resume and video clips to: USSF, 1980 Do You Believe In Miracles Avenue, Lake Placid, N.Y. 10993. No hockey players, please.
*** HOMESTEADERS, Upper Peninsula of Michigan Chamber of Commerce, Ft. Michelmakinac, Michigan
The Upper Peninsula of Michigan needs you! America's last great frontier seeks to populate itself under a government-mandated program to improve the gene pool. If you are an able-bodied man or woman who enjoys living in middle of nowhere, or far beyond the middle, right out to the tip of the edge of nowhere, 600 miles from your state capital, 50 miles from the nearest grocery store and with only one member of IABC within 300 miles, we want you! We have a variety of trailers from which to choose from, each with its own propane gas tank. And we expect the Internet, as well as running water and electricity, to be available by 2009! Please send inquiries to: UPMCC, Ft. Michelmakinac, Mich., 45555. No emails, yet (but soon!)
*** TARGET OF SCORN, Harpo Productions, Chicago, IL
Legendary TV show host/magazine publisher/benefactor/force of nature seeks someone to do something really stupid so as to inflict maximum sanctimonious self-righteous wrath. Liars/cheaters/snooty store clerks/former reality show contestants encouraged; Dr. Phil rejects need not apply. Three-minute video clip showing your scorn potential to: Harpo Productions, That Really Big Building, Chicago, Ill. 60606.
*** Faculty Yearbook Advisor, Hippiechick High School, Hippiechik, Mich.
The last one got caught with his fingers in the cookie jar, if you know what we mean.
www.abusestudents.hippiechick.edu/jobs/
*** Employee Communications, Air Vegan, Bethlehem, PA
Air Vegan is a start-up airline offering environmentally friendly cabin crews and service opportunities. Our no-frills service guarantees no meat, ever! Fur clad passengers will be denied boarding. Our “Sappho Service” in-flight representatives are 100% natural. Air Vegan: No meat! No leather. No fur. No Bull.
*** Outreaching Professional, National Association for the Promoting of Gerunding, Arlington, VA
You’ll be liking working here in Arlington, near where everyone who is anything is always making that which is happening. You’ll be researching, planning, executing and evaluating, all in helping establishing our association and our cause. Sending your resume to us is starting to be sounding like a pretty good idea. HR@gerunding.org
*** Web Editor/Content manager, Snow Mobile Alcoholics Stuck in Hospitals (SMASH), Rheinlander, Wisconsin
Oh, man, did you see that flip? Snowmobilers know the importance of drinking while driving. Hey, it's cold up here in the frozen North, and what better way to take the chill off than frequent shots of brandy, or other libations of your choosing. Excessive drinking reduces the level of caution that might otherwise limit the high speeds and confidence necessary to do really cool tricks with a high-powered internal-combustion super-charged snowmobile. True, 80 per cent of the most severe snowmobile-related injuries were sustained by young men under 20. Most suffered multiple wounds, with orthopedic and head traumas the most frequently recorded injuries, and most were drunk while attempting these stunts. Without alcohol, many snowmobilers might not even try. In cases where blood-alcohol levels were recorded, 49 per cent of snowmobilers admitted to hospital for severe trauma had consumed alcohol and 91 per cent of those with positive alcohol levels had been driving the snowmobile. Nearly 40 per cent of this group was so badly injured they needed the help of a mechanical ventilator to breath. And on average they stayed in hospital more than three times longer – 33 days – than injured snowmobilers with no alcohol in their bloodstream.
Your job will be to help the membership of SMASH promote their sport and overturn legislative efforts to limit snowmobiling and drinking. Hey, this is America! And so is Canada, too, isn’t it? We want to make noise in national parks. We want to chase wildlife, knock over fences and wipe out farms. 87 per cent of snowmobile injuries take place on private property, including trails. Don't let the authorities keep us from trespassing where we want to go.
Help us plow new snow:
– More snowmobile injuries were treated in February than any other month. Help us celebrate February as National SMASH month.
– SMASH members are leaders in the sports world. Snowmobiling is associated with more injuries than any other winter sport. It accounted for 41 per cent of hospital-treated injuries, compared to snowboarding (20 per cent), skiing (20 per cent), hockey (nine per cent), tobogganing (seven per cent) and skating (three per cent).
– SMASH members are healthcare experts. The average length of stay for snowmobilers admitted to specialized trauma units was 11 days in 2003-04; those whose injuries only required general hospital care stayed an average of six days.
Send your work samples, video tapes and resume to HR@SMASH.org. You may be required to audition.
*** Member Relations, Cat Hoarders Society, Goochland, Virginia
Keep track of the many people who horde as many cats as they can in their little houses. Maintain the Cat Hoarders database to help determine who has the most cats (dead or alive) in their homes. Coordinate the annual awards program for the most cats in a single dwelling, as well as the Golden Carcass Award for the cat that’s been dead the longest but still sitting on the sofa.
*** Director of Development and Governmental Affairs, National Associations of
Lobbyists Dedicated to Taking Huge Fees from Indian Tribes to permit
Large-Scale Bribing of Public Officials, Washington, DC
Send cover letter, envelope with cash and resume and lucky number to lottawampum@bingo.gov
*** Communications Director, National Association of Anonymous Sources, Rosslyn, VA
Can't tell you much about this job. You'll have to sign a confidentiality statement and non-disclosure agreement. You will not be able to disclose the nature of the non-disclosure agreement. Send e-mail to comdir@NAAS.org and you will be contacted about where to meet for your job interview. Tell no one.
*** Membership Coordinator, Women who have been videotaped having Sex with Scott Step or Kid Rock, Brentwood, CA
Send resumes to jointheclub@expcit.com
KidRockSexTape.com
ScottStappSexTape.com
*** FRATERNITY INSTRUCTOR, Kent State University, Kent, Ohio
Did you know that thousands of our nation’s young men join fraternities each year with little or no knowledge of the skills they will need to succeed in life? Here’s how you can help. Kent State University, the “Cornell of the Cuyahoga,” seeks a Fraternity Instructor to work with our Greek system in providing guidance and instruction in social skills. The ideal candidate should have a strong background in Three Stooges, Monty Python, “That ‘70s Show” and other entertainment. You should be able to recite the Greek alphabet 7 times while holding a lit match. You must be able to convey etiquette skills that have the potential to charm women while still being “one of the guys.” Resume, paddle and pledge pin to: KSU Greek Council, Kent State University, Kent, Ohio 44242. Kent State University is a non-hazing campus (wink, wink).
*** Hollaback Girl, Symmetric Communications, Appoxuponus, Virginia
Experienced PR pro, must have been around that track a few times. Must be able to spell B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Demonstrate leadership (All the girls stomp your feet like this).
Send cheer to: hollaback@two-way.com
*** PUBLICIST/WATER CUP HOLDER, Mariah Carey Inc., New York, New York
The world’s most amazing singer, who has overcome so much adversity to become bigger than Elvis and even the Beatles (it’s TRUE!) seeks eager publicist to hold her water bottle while making public appearances. Position requires ability to be nearby without being too close (invisible to photographers, if you know what we mean) and able to respond to subtle hand motions at a moment’s notice. Graduate degree helpful; submissive preferred; opposable thumbs required. Ability to withstand unbelievable verbal abuse on a daily basis a plus. Must sign “No kiss-and-tell book agreement. Resume and 500-word essay on “Why I would willingly subject myself to this” to: Mariah Carey Inc.; 33 Ivory Tower, New York, NY 10010. No phone calls.
*** Communications Director, Feral Feline Foundation, Fulton, New York
*** Senior Communications Manager, International Headwaiters Group, St. Paul, Minnesota
Experienced headwaiters with strong communication skills to serve in crème de la crème organization representing servers nationwide…Must be capable of drafting integrated communications from scratch, following the strategic communication recipe for success, whipping up talking points at tableside on short notice and providing guidance on actions in response to heat from the kitchen. See job posted on www.headwaiters.com.
*** Communications Director, Institute to get some positive awareness for the “Real” Chad, Republique du Tchad, N'Djamena, Chad
As communications director, you will assist in gaining public support for the Republic of Chad's lawsuit against the State of Florida, which has confused the public with its election fiasco involving “chad” or small perforations in ballots. By confusing the Republic of Chad with its disastrous election results the public may come to view the Republic with some disdain. The Republic is not in any way involved with free elections. The Republic is not involved in poking little holes in paper ballots, but rather suppressing entire ethnic groups. Nobody knows anything about our country, which is three times the size of California, and has cities with totally cool names like Mongor and Bongor. How cool are those names? Don't be fooled by our remoteness. We have 11 radio stations.
Plus, people who confuse Chad with Florida leads people to think we are some kind of stinking humid mangrove swamp. Far from it. Chad is a hot, dry, dusty country blessed by “harmattan” winds which occur in north; and periodic droughts and locust plagues. Plus, we have a shortage of drinkable water. We are a tourist's mecca, as Lake Chad is the most significant water body in the Sahel. We have 9,826,419 people, while Florida has 15,982,378. So you see, there are more than enough locusts for all of us. Florida has many old retirees. Not so with Chad, where half the country is 15 or under.
We are also concerned that people will confuse Florida with Chad regarding healthcare. We want to stand on our own reputation as a fascinating high-risk health environment teeming in bacterial and protozoal diarrhea, hepatitis A, and typhoid fever; malaria, chistosomiasis and meningococcal meningitis. We think a new breed of eco-tourist will come here, to see the micro-wildlife, and maybe stay longer than expected.
Send CV to commsdirector@chadisnotsobad.org.
*** Communications Director, Fostering Intelligence Superiority Through Torture (FISTT), Langley, VA
Help direct the FISTT message squarely where it belongs, at the jaws and noses of our mealy-mouthed opponents that are trying to ban torture as a means of effectively gathering of useful intelligence. You should be prepared to gather dirt on those who cast aspersions on our efforts; work covertly to undermine them; and extract information by whatever means possible. Then throw it in their faces when they least expect it! Don't hamstring our intelligence operatives. Hand them the hammer and pliers.
Send resume and summary of undercover operations to Ben Dover at ben.dover@fistt.org
*** Public Affairs Officer, Conspiracy Protection Agency, Washington, D.C.
*** Vice President, Public Relations, Wal-mart Stores, Bentonville, Arkansas
Walmart, Inc., in an effort to remake itself into a more politically accepted mom-and-pop establishment, seeks a vice president of public relations to conduct folkus group studies, develop messaging, direct ad placement, and retool stores nationwide to better manage box store opposition. Ideal candidate will have strong background in rural America, with experience in small and medium sized towns. Take our grassroots effort to a new level of turfbuilding, choking out the crabgrass, and, where necessary, utilizing Astroturf. Excellent pay and health benefits. Visit www.walmart.com, sign up for customer advisory panel on lower right of home page, then follow directions to position application.
*** Outreach and Advocacy Support Associate, United Nations Initiative to Teach People in Third World Countries to Wash Their Hands, Geneva, Switzerland
Lead coalition of Government and NGO efforts to improve global sanitation and health through the “Wash Your Stinking Hands!” initiative. Manage funding for government-sponsored telenovela/soap opera/serial drama productions in India, Philippines, Tanzania and Nigeria in which people who do not wash hands afterwards have terrible things happen to them, and characters who do practice proper hygiene live happily ever after. Huge percentage of the budget goes to producing and distributing refrigerator magnets to tribals living in the bush. You must submit to a clean hands inspection, including a look under your fingernails. Send cover letter and resume to cleanhandsjob@UNITPTWCTWTH.un.org
*** Scriptwriter/Vowel Specialist, adult entertainment industry, Canoga Park, CA
Our client is seeking a scriptwriter for the adult film industry with expertise in creative usage of the following vowels:
Aaaaaa!
Eeeee!
Iiiiiiii!
Oooooo!
Uuuuuu!
But never, “Why?”
Contact Rod Hardware at vowel@hiremenow.com
*** Membership Communications, National Association of Lousy Tippers, Aurora, IL
Must work for gratuities. Membership job requires collecting dues from members. Send resume to tipless@NALT.org
*** Research assistant, National Association to Support Married Men Who Have Removed Their Wedding Rings and Who Want to Pick Up Attractive Younger Women and Invite Them Out For A Drink After Work and Hope it Leads to Something Else, Alexandria, VA
*** Director of Communications, National Association of Small Women Owned Businesses, McLean, VA
Are you a petite woman looking for a really dainty challenge (lots of tiny giggles)? Our association represents small women who own businesses and are trying to win massive Federal Government contracts. If you are 5'1″ and under, and can fit smartly into a size 2 suit, and yearn to own your own company so you can, to put it delicately, boss men around, then this organization is for you. If you can help us take the first baby steps to get our little mini-message across in the big world, then this diminutive opportunity is the bees knees.
Send a short cover letter and brief resume to smallJobs@NASWOB.org
*** CREATIVE DIRECTOR, B.L.A.M.E., Offices worldwide
The Bureau of Lame and Mundane Excuses (B.L.A.M.E.) seeks Creative
Director to manufacture, disseminate and perpetuate myths, theories,
rumors, lies, prophecies and various other innuendae for our worldwide
list of clients. Our award-winning campaigns have linked hurricanes to
Biblical prophecy, earthquakes to sinners; national catastrophes to
Godless Democrats; and, in a pinch, everything else on Israel.
Our current client list includes both the Republican National Committee
and the Democratic National Committee; the Government of Iran; the Rev.
Pat Robertson; and the Fox Network.
The ideal candidate has the ability to see things in other things; to
view events how they stand in the grand scheme of things; and to make
our clients very, very happy. Excellent communication skills;
self-starter; ability to work with difficult people a plus.
Send resume and a recent manifesto to: B.L.A.M.E., P.O. Box 666, New
York New York 10025. We'll contact you, and if we don't, it's because
you are part of the problem, not the solution.
*** Web Content Editor, HoboNet Intranet, League of Sojourners on Trains (LOST),
Council Bluffs, Nebraska
This job is offered to hobos only. To submit resume for consideration, enter HoboNet and use your password. editor@hobonet.net
*** Photo Editor, “Fluff” Magazine, Publications Division, International Belly Button Lint Foundation, Innieoroutie, Belgium
www.globalnavelreview.be/jonbs/pubs/ed/fluff
*** Senior Strategic Communications Research Consultant, Program Outreach and Advocacy Directorate, National Take-A-Nap Society, Sleepy Hollow, NY
Send resume and qualifications to jobs@snooze.org
*** COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR, FEDERAL NICKNAME REGISTRY, Suitland, Md.
This little-known federal agency, actually part of the National Archives Administration, has access to the highest levels of
government and is charged with one of the most creative communications
strategies for the White House. We are charged with assigning nicknames
and diminutives to Cabinet-level officials and senior government
appointees. Our recent campaigns include Michael “Brownie” Brown, I.
Lewis “Scooter” Libby, and others. The agency is responsible for a 13
percent increase in the use of quotation marks in news publications in
2005.
The ideal candidate will jump from the frying pan into the fire, taking
on several hot accounts, including coming up with a nickname for
Homeland Security Director Michael Chertoff. So far, all we've come up
with is “Cherty,” which just doesn't cut it. “Big Hands” isn't working
either. As you can see, we need some help.
Resume, cover letter and your favorite list of Pet Names and Why You
Came Up With Them to: Robert “Amsterdam” Holland, Director, Federal
Nickname Registry, 1550 “United” Way, “ZootSuitland,” Maryland 20024.
*** Director of Marketing Communications, The Power of the Mullet, Mullet Preservation Society, Blytheville, Arkansas
http://www.mulletjunky.com/
*** “I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to root for the New York Yankees.”
-Galileo
*** National Academy for the Advancement of Malapropisms, Alexandria, Virginia
Brand new location in Old Town Alexandria, where we will move forward are
addendum to appease the malapropism in everyday life. All of the some people who want to illiterate the malapropism from society with be square in our circle of enemies as we movement into the direction for the association. Those people out there are such dolts. We need you to be the antidolt. We want people to truly reprehend what we are talking about. It may seam like we’re putting all our ducks in one basket, but now is not the time to cook the rooster that laid the golden egg. Let’s get straight to this in a roundabout way, and not make a mountain out of a molehill with this whole kettle of fish in a nutshell. Contact us for all the perpendiculars.
Send your clear, concise statement to makesperfectsense@malopropisms.org.
*** Editorial Assistant, Flatulence Magazine, Flatulent Earth Society, Cleveland, Ohio
Send resume to: jobs@FlatEarth.org
*** Communications Manager, DP World, (This is a contract opportunity to manage TSA and DHS Public affairs),Washington, DC
DP World, the Dubai company that dropped plans to manage operations at U.S. ports, announced it is hiring a new management team and thousands of employees to meet demands in their latest endeavor – to supply DHS with public affairs leadership and management, and TSA with airport screeners and top-level management nationwide. Bonus provided for business development success if you get DP World contracts to support U.S. House of Representatives. Those interested in becoming part of what promises to be an exciting new chapter in national security efforts should visit www.dpworld.com and check the careers section of our website. jobs@duped.com.
*** Strategic Communications Expert, Nutrition Department, Junk Food Producers Council, Bronx, NY
Guide JFPC forward, embracing the "'Hefty Alternative' lifestyle menu choice" advertising campaign to create awareness and understanding of nutritional buying decisions. You will be responsible for the "Ice Cream Diet" campaign, "Take a Twinkie to Lunch" marketing strategy, and the "Double Deep Fat Fried is Double-delicious and Fun" customer service hotline. Benefits include free lunches and snacks.
To apply, send profile to: behemouth@junkfoodcouncil.org.
*** Editorial Director, International Academy for Disingenuity, Copenhagen, Denmark
Create a credible campaign to obfuscate the obvious; divert the truth, stand behind meaningless statistics and avoid the core issues. You’ll do fine.
truthbenders@disingenuity.freespeech.denmark.com
*** Web Content manager, "The Power of the Mullet" website, National Mullet Club, Bristol/Kingsport/Johnson City, Tennessee
*** Managing Editor, Altercation magazine, Bronx, NY
jobs.inyourface/altercation.publications.net/backoff
*** “All the world's a stage, and most of us are total and complete dorks.”
– Seán O'Casey
*** At the recent World Congress of Surgeons, hosted by the International Society of Surgeons (ISS) in Durban, South Africa, three surgeons, an American, a German, and an Indian, were talking and bragging about the technological advances that their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.
The American, John B. Emans, MD, director of the Division of Spinal Surgery at Children's Hospital Boston and professor of Orthopedic Surgery at Harvard Medical School, said “In Boston, there was a baby boy born without arms so we attached artificial arms on him, with titanium bones and epoxy composite joints, with latex skin. And now that he’s grown up and became an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medalist!”
The German, Professor Dr. med Karl-Hermann Fuchs, Markus-Krankenhaus, Frankfurt am Main, replied, “That’s nothing to what we have achieved. Back in Frankfurt, there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her, creating a pair of Marlo Anatomical Sockets, with Urethane and silicone gels to cushion the interior of sockets to eliminate pressure points and abrasion, and modular components made of carbon fiber and titanium to reduce the weight of prostheses profoundly. Now she is a three-time Olympics marathon gold medalist !”
The Indian, Dr. A.K.Venkatachalam, interjected, “Is that all you have achieved , just gold medalists? In Bihar, we had a baby boy born without a HEAD! We attached a COCONUT and called him Laloo and he has grown up and now he is the Chief Minister of Bihar !”
*** “Ha-ha, you fool. You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is ‘Never get involved in a land war in Asia,’ but only slightly less well known is this: ‘Never go in against a Sicilian, when *death* is on the line.’ Hahahahahah. [dies]”
-Vizzini
*** Weekly Piracy Report:
32.02.2006 Clancy's Bar, Pittsburgh.
Three Pirates attempted to enter Clancy's Bar near PNC Field. They were
identified as Jeremy Burnitz, Craig Wilson and Joe Randa. The owner of
the bar informed them that the team curfew was about to go into effect,
and they returned to their hotel.
32.02.2006 Omaha, Nebraska
A group of pirates in a motorized dinghy attempted to board the U.S.
Navy aircraft carrier Enterprise (CVN-65), which was conducting
maneuvers along Interstate 80 near the Douglas County/Sarpy County
border. The incident was averted when the writer of this report was told
that the premise was silly.
32.02.2006 Off of Nassau, Bahamas
A Carnival Cruise ship sailing toward Nassau was cut off by another
cruise ship from Royal Caribbean, which pulled up alongside and
attempted to lure passengers with incentives such as a midnight buffet
and free dinner show tickets. Carnival fought off the attack by
displaying a large poster of Kathie Lee Gifford, which frightened off
the Royal Caribbean crew.
*** “If I can't dance, I don't want your revolution.”
– Emma Goldman
*** What's gray and forms a small puddle?
A melted penguin.
*** An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub somewhere in Maine. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. “Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him” she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I'm afraid I can't,” breathes the barman, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,” she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“Tell him,” she says, “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.”
*** Why is an aspirin small, white, and smooth?
Because if it was big, gray, and rough, it would be an elephant!
*** Ball cap of the week: JOTWILF
*** Coffee Mug of the Day: You’re Fired!
*** T-Shirts of the day: 1.) Sometimes I wish I was a monkey so I could throw poop at people and it would be legal (Thanks to Steve Fecal at the Monkey Poop Society)
2.) I AM the Man from Nantucket
*** Today's featured musical accompaniment: Creampie
*** The new, recommended, optional, suggested JOTW policy that asks people who submit listings on behalf of their employer consider maybe possibly sending Ned a huge wad of unmarked $20 bills.
*** This is your Job of the Week e-mail newsletter, a cooperative
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“My thoughts and my discourse as madmen's are,
At random from the truth vainly expressed;
For I have sworn thee fair and thought thee bright,
Who are as black as hell, as dark as night.”
Shakespeare, sonnet #147
This newsletter is published by:
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© Copyright 2006
“Adversus incendia excubias nocturnas vigilesque commentus est.”
“If you fart and burp at the same time, you die.”
-Argumenticus
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